Now I have never been a huge fan of MSN because I'm rubbish at typing fast. I do however have a special MSN buddy who makes me laff before bedtime so was traumatised to discover I couldn't log on the other night. After much cursing at MSN and Hotmail I thought I'd snuggle under the duvet and watch a bit of telly. Wondering if there would be any more punch ups in the BB house.
Next thing I know I'm waking up with with something poking into my cheek. Lifting my head off the pilow to be confronted in the semi-darkness with my D&G specs staring back at me in bits. I was still half alseep so anger didn't hit me at that precise moment. Instead I just kinda stared at them for a bit - well 4 bits to be precise. After what seemed like an age I pulled a stroppy face and rolled over to check the time and sent the bed side lamp flying across the room taking the clock, my mobile phone and a bottle of Nivea sensitive balm with it. Needless to say the dog starts having hysteria at all this commotion. I slump out of bed screaming abuse at the dog and pick up the debris from the floor. It's 6.50 am on a Saturday morning!
Oh and did I mention that the tv is still on but has somehow changed from E4 to MTV Dance in the night and on comes Alice Deejay singing about it how we're 'Better off alone'................Belgian Bitch!
So I chase the dog down the hall to the kitchen muttering obscenities. Make a cup of coffee and chuck some Cesar in her dish to shut her up. Was just about to go back to bed when housemate surfaces in his Littlewood boxer shorts, smelling of stale Stella. I apologise for waking him and make more coffee aware that he's looking at me funny. I know I'm no oil painting in the morning but this is a bit unsettling. Finally he says 'What happened to you'. What did he mean? 'Your face'.
I go into the bathroom and there before me is what can only be described as a seagull attack! My face is covered in scratches. All over. With a chunk of flesh hanging off the end of my nose! How could the D&Gs have caused so much damage? Mind you looking at the pillow carnage it must have been quite a fracas during the night.
After a shower and an application of Tea Tree lotion the visage was looking slightly better but blimey - what a mess.
Had to go shopping to Sainsbury so I covered up in a baseball cap and sunglasses 'a la Posh Spice' to hide the chopped up face and just drew more attention to myself.
Bumped into fat bloke and his noisy bird from over the road (the pair that leave their windows open during love-making just so we can all hear her sounding like she's having her wisdom teeth extracted with a spanner) and she asks why I'm in disguise.
So I take the cap and glasses off and she says 'Oh Steps my Mum's got a cat like that'???????????????????????????????????????? I didn't feel inclined to tell it was a pair of D&G specs.
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