Ok Ok enough is enough. This heat is getting on my flippin' tits now.I love a bit of sunshine when I'm on holiday or chilling on the decking of a weekend but equatorial conditions are not conducive to pleasant working conditions.
I'm refusing to go into the office right now due to the lack of decent air-con. Went in to do my expenses the other day and had to walk home with a wet arse. I was wearing khaki combats so it looked like I'd forgotten to put on my Tenna's much to the amusement of the kids playing footie in the park. This black kid with a half afro and Crystal Palace top on shouted over 'Hey Mr. You need your nappy changing' I pretended I didn't hear. My mobile rang. I dived into my backpack to fetch it and collided with the dog shit bin!
The other day I had no choice but to travel up to Liverpool for work. Just my luck. Turned out to be the hottest day of the year.
The trip up was OK. Quiet train with great air-con. Managed to catch up on some Iain Lee podcasts. The meetings went well. We had desk fans and shared a can of Magicool. I'm convinced that stuff is evil. Sure it cools you down but what must it be doing to your skin and the ozone layer???
Any road up. I jumps in a taxi to the station and was treated to the Scouse remix of You To Me Are Everything by a very jolly and very flushed driver. Ginger people don't look great in the heat. Poor souls.
Again the train was quiet and dead cool. This time there was the added bonus of 2 latino chicos sitting across the aisle with shorts on. Jeez they were fit and spunky. I put my shades on and pretended to be asleep and spent the best part of an hour imagining what I would do with them in a jacuzzi! Unfortunately they got off at Nuneaton. I guess you could say they got off before I got off!
Journey was going well and on time until we approached Watford. Stopped dead and sat for just enough time to witness my connecting train departing as we pulled in. I wasn't even angry. Next train was in half an hour. I'll just get a drink and read a bit more of HEAT.
After clambering across to the correct platform I was already pouring buckets of sweat. There was a wind getting up so it felt like a Sahara sand storm now.......without the sand, obviously. The poor girl in the kiosk looked like the fat person in the gym. You know the look. Red face, cheeks pulsating, blowing and puffing continuously in a baggy t-shirt and cycling shorts. She had no water left so I ordered an Americano. I was fiddling around with the sugar cubes at the counter and I don't know how it happened but as I tore open the paper cover the cubes leapt in the air. For some reason I tried to catch them and hit the kiosk girl's arm as she passed the coffee to me. The coffee went everywhere. Soaking her t-shirt and a tray of flapjacks. I was mortified. She looked like she was going to cry.
It was my turn to cry now. Next train was cancelled due to defective rolling stock. I'd have to wait another hour for a connection.
It was getting hotter and hotter. I felt faint and needed a sit down. I dragged me and my trolley over to the lift and sat down on this ledge thing that went around the building. It was like sitting on molten lava. I think I smelled pork crackling as I leapt to my feet clutching my buttocks. 4 girls on the opposite platform were sniggering behind their Volvics.
Now I needed a pee so scuttled off to the lift with my trolley and crossed to the platform with the loos.
In the gents I was confronted by a bloke in a dirty suit with hair like Brian May, washing his feet in the basin. Well I say washing but he had this thing that looked like a giant cocktail stick and was picking away at his toes in the process. He mumbled something with a foreign twang and I just gave him a slight smile. After my wee I got some Wet Wipes out of my trolley and gave myself a good freshen up before nodding to foreign foot fellow and heading back to the platform.
I gets in the lift and before the doors shut, they open again and I'm confronted by this rather round black lady pushing a trolley with what looks like enough luggage for the whole of Ethiopia. I press the doors open button as she maneuvers her load into the lift. She's speaking to me very loudly in her native tongue and I'm just smiling and sweating. Eventually she gets in. It was like watching a drunk parking an HGV. When the doors open she gives her load a shove and knocks my little trolley out on to the platform. It's at that moment I realise I didn't zip it up properly when I got the Wet Wipes and the contents of my case is now blowing around platform 9.
The African Queen is stuck in the lift as I'm scrambling around on all fours collecting my bits and stuffing them back in the case. I'm so hot and stressed now that my shirt is sticking to me and my pants feel like I actually hadn't made it to the toilet.
I've gathered my bits and my train pulls in. I flop onto the train and collapse in a heap. As we pull out of the station I glance over and see a pair of my Abercrombie & Fitch briefs hanging from one of the African Queen's suitcases!!!!
