War and Peas

I’d like to start this week with quite possibly the best quote of the series so far. It came from Brian during the final nominations.

“Jonty is an OK guy. But I’ll be having a good conversation with someone and he’ll come over and ruin it by talking about Bruce Forsyth. It’s just really annoying when random Bruce Forsyths are brought into the conversation…”

I know what he means. I’d get hacked off at random Bruce Forsyths too.

It was a hoot was watching Chloe Madeley clattering around the Big Mouth set in 5 inch heels, like an unsteady baby deer with pert boobs. Bless her. I thought her and Jack did a great job. Watch out Mum and Dad. The kids could be planning a coup!

The concept of not dropping one’s H’s drove Tracey to tears in the Posh Task. She should’ve taken some of her own advice and just dealt with it!

There was almost a serious debate on the class system. Gerry would have been well impressed. However the brow was lowered when Amanda decided to use Jack from Titanic to demonstrate her point. Actually it was a bloody good point and made more sense than Brian and Tracey just whinging about posh folk.

Kara Louise sealed her fate by plucking her armpits and teasing Ziggy just before the nominations. I don’t know why he got so upset at being called Goldilocks. I can think of much worse names to call him ;-)

I've never seen such bad dancers in all my life. It's really not that difficult to waltz but during the BB Ball, Brian looked like he was edging along a cliff face as he clung on to a tipsy Tracey. Jonty's interpretation of the foxtrot was even worse. He was pushing Carole around the floor like she was an industrial floorboard sander. Isn't it weird how drunk people always land up doing something that resembles jiving no matter what music they're dancing to.

As expected, the shopping list power struggle continued despite Carole’s promises to relinquish control. What on earth does she do with all those carrots? The mind boggles! Despite an apparent calm over the cuisine compromises there was a few tense moments that didn’t go unnoticed. The stew boiled over when the housemates decided to trade a few of veggie treats for a couple of beers and a bop. Cries of ‘Not the Piccalilli’ could be heard as far away as the Scratchwood Services.

Tracey and Kara Louise left the house on Friday looking like Worzel and Aunt Sally going on a first date. Poor Kara never stood a chance in there. She landed up like the Housemate equivalent of a book token.

Ziggy’s cool seemed to desert him during the BB Quiz. The ‘It’s me, not you’ line came back to haunt him as he squirmed by his buzzer. Worse was to come when he bumped into a very sexy looking Chanelle in the lobby. Stinking of Smokey Bacon crisps and with hair that’s getting bigger than Andrew Castle’s, he was speechless at the brief return of his former bed mate.

Will they or won’t they get back together? Will Carole survive the last week without her carrots? Can Brian and Jonty keep the contents of their pants under wraps until the Final? If Liam tires before the winning post will he talk even more slowly? Will I ever be able to understand a word the Twins say?

There’s only a few days left to find out!

These boots were made for walking

Freddie & Monkety Tunkety were granted some respite from the madness this week when Big Brother sent them on a world tour. Everyone cheered and clapped except for a very grumpy Tracy. She’d managed to struggle out of bed to see them off but just sat there stony faced, glaring at the monitor. Instead of wishing them well she just shook her head and asked ‘are we in an asylum’. I’m surprised it took her 11 weeks to work that one out! From Blackpool to Beijing the cheeky chimps sent postcards and food parcels for the increasingly hungry housemates. Food is once again on everyone’s lips. Or not as the case may be.

Carole’s moaning went into overdrive after she was punished for stashing chocolate biscuits and interfering with an egg. She deflected her guilt by attacking Gerry at every opportunity. He couldn’t even say he was hungry or move a jug of water in the kitchen without getting a stream of profanities from the Kitchen Commandant. The scene was set for a Greek tragedy.

Tracy’s been like Dr Jekyll & Sister Hyde all week. One minute she’s everyone’s best mate and then the next she’s snarling at people from her duvet for faking their feelings and their real age. Has she never used online dating websites? It’s not uncommon for people on Gaydar to actually get younger every year ;-)

This was the best eviction of the series, so far. Gerry became the Guru’s chosen one after his gushing plea to save Carole. Beaming from ear to ear, he lapped up the crowd who gave him a surprisingly good reception. Davina seemed to have the hots for him when they met in the flesh. I think it was the jack boots that had her twiddling with her hair as she gave his best bits a once over.

Gerry wasn’t the only person in kinky boots on Friday. I flicked over to E4 to be confronted by Pete Burns looking like a 6 foot sex toy in black rubber up to his earrings.

Carole’s food obsession seems to be rubbing off on the rest of the gang as they squabbled over who had the best pizza after the Beat Big Brother task. Kara Louise made a sprint for the table and claimed the Chicken Supreme whilst the lads moped about with hackles raised like a pack of hyenas arriving late at a carcass.

The lack of sustenance doesn't appear to have affected Liam's waistline but obviously shut down supplies to his grey matter. During one of his laconic conversations with Brian, the jovial Geordie was heard to remark 'You cuddle Amanda different to Sam, but not in a physical way'. Is there another way to cuddle, like?

I learnt a couple of life lessons this week too. First off, Amanda & Liam taught us that you can pinch the skin on your elbow, dead hard like, and it won’t be painful. The other remarkable revelation came from Carole who informed us very wisely that the cure for cramp is to squeeze your bottom lip for 30 seconds. Thanks for the advice Carole. Now tell me what’s the best remedy for a bust lip!

Love don't live here anymore

Just as it looked like Love Don’t Live Here Anymore, a tipsy Brian and Manda slurped each other noisily under the duvet after a glass of wine. Their kissing sounded like someone trying to drink a McDonald’s milk shake with a bent straw. Would this be the next big romance in the house? Shut up! After a few nervous grins the next morning it looks like Brian is going solo again with only hairy shoulders and man boobs sharing his bed.

Carole was obsessing about the food again. It was bad enough that people actually ate the Crunchy Nut Cornflakes but I thought she might walk when Kara stuffed the chicken with her nut roast. After some cake baking therapy, Carole composed herself and decided to take her revenge in the Diary Room during nominations.

No surprise that the newbies were all up this week but boy did the slop hit the fan when Amy, Kara and Jonty were shown all the nominations. Jonty sniggered at the complaints about his farting and Kara just cried again. Amy was affronted at being labelled a gold digging slag and seethed in the bathroom whilst Brian nodded sympathetically at her cleavage.

The dreams task was a bit bizarre even by Big Brother standards but I bet it’s not the first time some of the housemates have had a cheesy helmet.

Next up was catwalk modelling and we had Liam and Jonty swishing around the house like Boy George and Philip Salon arriving at the Blitz Club. It was nice to see the lads getting close to their feminine side but I’m not sure Ziggy’s ‘Joyce Grenfell @ Claire’s Accessories’ look was a winner to be honest.

Gerry seemed less than impressed with Jonty and Monkety Tunkety fraternising with Freddy in the bedroom on Friday. He nipped things in the bud by accidentally (on purpose) sucking up his small woolly chimp with the hoover. A look of Hannibal Lecter flashed across Jonty’s face. If I was Gerry I’d sleep with one eye open from now on.

I don’t think the housemates missed Amy after she left. Amanda was deffo confused too. Apparently she thought that Amy thought that she thought that Amy thought that she thought she didn’t like her. Or something like that.

Something’s happened to Tracey this week. She’s rampant. The way she was preying on Liam and Ziggy at the weekend was like an alpha she-wolf who’d just come into season. All it took was the lads in wet shorts and 2 glasses of wine and she was terrifying the bewildered boys with her sexual advances. I think she really wanted to ‘ave it!

I’m getting so tired of the Food Monitor. Carole’s narking is getting beyond a joke now. Another cereal battle broke out as Gerry was targeted again for eating without permission. Even Liam & Ziggy are feeling uncomfortable with their Mama’s dining room dominance. In the middle of the raging battle Brian contemplated a solution to the food shortage when he found a bogey up his nose. Now that’s a real Guru!

The highlight of the week actually occurred outside the house when Dermot appeared on BBLB in head to toe pink lycra and treated Davina and the viewers to something interesting going on between his legs. Dermot complained about the state of his feet. Trust me mate. No one was looking at your feet!

Everybody needs good neighbours

Oh my days. What a week! I don’t know where to start. Who said things would be quiet once Charley & Chanelle left? It’s all been in and out and back and forward in time. I got less confused watching Lost.

Like most of the Housemates, I’ve been wary of the newcomers. Kara Louise is sweet but I’m getting tired of her hysterical sobbing every time Big Brother introduces a new twist. She was so traumatised by someone talking about her behind her back it makes you wonder if she ever watched the show before she applied. By the look of her wardrobe I suspect she thought she was entering Strictly Come Dancing.

My trip to the Big Brother House was amazing. Thanks to Caroline and Adele for their hospitality and making me feel so welcome. Walking through the camera runs was surreal. I know it’s a cliché, but the place really is so much smaller than it looks on TV. No wonder they go doolally after a few weeks cooped up in there.

As we toured the darkness each mirrored window revealed a new treat like Ziggy stripping off on cue to catch some rays and more camera time. The place was so normal. Tracey was having a fag. Carole patrolled the kitchen with a tea towel, looking for intruders and the kids were jumping in the garden for no apparent reason.

Strange sights and sounds were everywhere. I was freaked out by Jonty at the common room window. As I pulled back the drape he was staring straight at me whilst knocking back a glass of orange squash at the sink. I got such a fright that I swallowed my chewing gum and stabbed my leg with a biro.

Just as we were leaving we heard some familiar sounds coming from the toilet. I can’t say for sure but I think we may have been witness to a Ziggy poo in the halfway house!

Shanessa and David lost their housemate status and then 24 hours later were heading out to meet a sparkly Davina. Hand in hand they skulked down the stairs looking like Bjork’s Mum & Dad arriving at a film premiere.

Ma Baker and her two sons continued their ever increasing domination of the house. I think the three of them are getting a bit smug and cocky. Well except for Ziggy who was stuffing socks down his pants during the exercise task. Apparently he was worried about his Mum being embarrassed by the sight of his manhood. I think she’s gonna be more upset about his behaviour towards a certain ex-housemate rather than the size of his winkle.

A missing blue sponge was all it took for Carole to go off on another moaning mission. However the real reason for her surly attitude was down to one of her lads playing away with the eye candy. Amy seems hell bent on getting the most nominations this week and it didn’t take long for Carole’s plan to take affect as Liam dumped her before the Lamy romance got past first base.

Good old Brian’s just been quietly doing his own thing and avoiding the macho posturing this week. He’s been getting a bit glum though. I think the lad probably needs a bit of what Liam didn’t want. Maybe Amy could help him out. I mean what’s she got to lose? It’s not like she’s going to be around for much longer so she needs to keep her profile and her ample assets to the fore if she’s going to exploit her brief visit to the house.

The award for best strop of the week goes to Gerry for losing his cool when Ziggy kicked the globe ball over the wall. Apparently he was planning on using it to teach the twins Geography. I'm sure they were thrilled at the prospect. Sorry Gerry but I think the twins have a much greater mission in mind as they’re planning on moving to an alien planet with Jonty and Monkety Tunkety. Now that’s a close encounter with the potential to start the War of the Worlds!