Everybody needs good neighbours

Oh my days. What a week! I don’t know where to start. Who said things would be quiet once Charley & Chanelle left? It’s all been in and out and back and forward in time. I got less confused watching Lost.

Like most of the Housemates, I’ve been wary of the newcomers. Kara Louise is sweet but I’m getting tired of her hysterical sobbing every time Big Brother introduces a new twist. She was so traumatised by someone talking about her behind her back it makes you wonder if she ever watched the show before she applied. By the look of her wardrobe I suspect she thought she was entering Strictly Come Dancing.

My trip to the Big Brother House was amazing. Thanks to Caroline and Adele for their hospitality and making me feel so welcome. Walking through the camera runs was surreal. I know it’s a cliché, but the place really is so much smaller than it looks on TV. No wonder they go doolally after a few weeks cooped up in there.

As we toured the darkness each mirrored window revealed a new treat like Ziggy stripping off on cue to catch some rays and more camera time. The place was so normal. Tracey was having a fag. Carole patrolled the kitchen with a tea towel, looking for intruders and the kids were jumping in the garden for no apparent reason.

Strange sights and sounds were everywhere. I was freaked out by Jonty at the common room window. As I pulled back the drape he was staring straight at me whilst knocking back a glass of orange squash at the sink. I got such a fright that I swallowed my chewing gum and stabbed my leg with a biro.

Just as we were leaving we heard some familiar sounds coming from the toilet. I can’t say for sure but I think we may have been witness to a Ziggy poo in the halfway house!

Shanessa and David lost their housemate status and then 24 hours later were heading out to meet a sparkly Davina. Hand in hand they skulked down the stairs looking like Bjork’s Mum & Dad arriving at a film premiere.

Ma Baker and her two sons continued their ever increasing domination of the house. I think the three of them are getting a bit smug and cocky. Well except for Ziggy who was stuffing socks down his pants during the exercise task. Apparently he was worried about his Mum being embarrassed by the sight of his manhood. I think she’s gonna be more upset about his behaviour towards a certain ex-housemate rather than the size of his winkle.

A missing blue sponge was all it took for Carole to go off on another moaning mission. However the real reason for her surly attitude was down to one of her lads playing away with the eye candy. Amy seems hell bent on getting the most nominations this week and it didn’t take long for Carole’s plan to take affect as Liam dumped her before the Lamy romance got past first base.

Good old Brian’s just been quietly doing his own thing and avoiding the macho posturing this week. He’s been getting a bit glum though. I think the lad probably needs a bit of what Liam didn’t want. Maybe Amy could help him out. I mean what’s she got to lose? It’s not like she’s going to be around for much longer so she needs to keep her profile and her ample assets to the fore if she’s going to exploit her brief visit to the house.

The award for best strop of the week goes to Gerry for losing his cool when Ziggy kicked the globe ball over the wall. Apparently he was planning on using it to teach the twins Geography. I'm sure they were thrilled at the prospect. Sorry Gerry but I think the twins have a much greater mission in mind as they’re planning on moving to an alien planet with Jonty and Monkety Tunkety. Now that’s a close encounter with the potential to start the War of the Worlds!