Ding Dong the Witch is Dead

So would the house become Chez Cheerful now that Nicky has gone? Like hell it would. As relationships and relations went into meltdown, the moments of light relief seemed even more bizarre.

When Liam asked the twins to name 4 types of tree, the best they could come up with was – a tree with pink leaves, a tree with red leaves and an elf tree. Keen to join in the game, Chanelle proved that a high IQ doesn’t mean you’re all that bright as she opted for a Christmas tree.

Worse was to come when he asked them to name 2 types of bike. After some consideration Amanda suggested a fast bike and a slow bike. Where do they find these people?

Is Rihanna 17 or 19? Harmless enough question you’d think. Not for this lot. I’m sure nobody was really bothered but that was the spark that lit the touch paper for another slanging match between Charley and Chanelle. Most of the mud was incomprehensible but kudos to Chanelle for – ‘I wanted to be a WAG until I came in here and saw the state of one’.

Ziggy said that Molly was the first dog to ever enter the BB house but I’d dispute that claim ;-) The poor little mutt (Molly not Ziggy) was a bit bewildered when her master appeared in the garden all decked out in tweed and wellies. After an embarrassing pause the Bonio finally dropped and Molly leapt into Ziggy’s arms. He seems to have that affect on short haired females. It was a great task and another BB tear jerker as Ziggy struggled to hold back the flow when the task was over and he was separated again from Molls. I have to admit to needing a couple of Kleenex myself during the ad break. I’m a sucker for a hairy friend with a curly tail.

Carole singing Stairway to Heaven reminded me that actually Britain hasn’t got that much talent. This was more like XXL Factor. It must have taken all of judge Tracey’s willpower not to describe Carole’s act as phat.

After the finest strop of the year, Chanelle surprised everyone with a passable Vivaldi on a dodgy violin to win the BBTV Talent Show crown. She may have an ear for music but how the hell did she manage to confuse Ziggy’s fart with a caravan door shutting in the rain? She must be used to hearing Wakefield wind with all those faggots and peas being consumed up there.

Despite Chanelle’s gaff, they passed the sound task. Their prize was personalised bog roll and Gerry got quite flushed at the thought of borrowing a couple of sheets from Liam’s roll.

Charley’s luck finally ran out and she left the house for good, dressed as Wilma Flintstone. The crowd were ruthless this time but her delusions carried her through what she believed was as a wonderful reception. And no……she wasn’t being funny!

Davina looked gorgeous as usual. Like a trolley dolly for Mistress Airways, she welcomed the new half housemates to their accommodation for the weekend.

Amy and Shanessa’s clothes seemed to fall off as they approached the house. Someone should have loaned Shanessa a jacket to cover her fleshy bumps. Whatever happened to chivalry? Thank the Lord for tit tape!

I’m pleased that Chanelle finally saw through Ziggy but gutted that she left the house to ease his depression. She should have stayed and made life hell for him. Everyone was grief stricken at Chanelle’s departure apart from Carole who just smirked in the kitchen. Perhaps she was thinking of moving into Ziggy’s bed! Sorry Carole but your Toy Boy’s been moved next door with the Halfways to await his fate.

In the meantime we get David & Kara. A witch in a black skirt and a snooty student with a cleaning obsession. It’s like Charley and Nicky never left!

Oh Mr Grimsdale.........Shut Up!!!!!!

Big Brother’s birthday was the catalyst to get things back on track, with Basildon’s answer to Norman Wisdom taking his rightful place in the hearts of the nation. Brian can do no wrong at the moment except when he’s attempting novelty pop songs whilst wearing percussion.

Now I know why Charley calls herself IT girl. She was a dead ringer for Pennywise the murderous clown. However I think she was acting out another Stephen King classic as she had her own Shining moment at the party when the inner monster returned to torment the housemates. Here’s Charley! Poor Brian was on the receiving end of her sledge hammer tongue as both of them ‘didn’t shout’ for at least half an hour of ranting about God knows what.

Liam was the most laid back magician I’ve ever seen. David Nixon would have been more vibrant and he’s been dead for 20 years. His glamorous assistant gave Ziggy a right Kinder Surprise. Chanelle wiggled her sequined hips and had him drooling all over the Haribo Super Mix.

If the Beeb ever bring back Play School, Carole would be an ideal choice to keep the kiddies quiet while Mum chat’s up the postman. Come to think of it. The way she handled the balloons and body paint suggests she’d make a damn good party hostess for Ann Summers too ;-)

I think she’s a good judge of character too. Giving Nicky a snake face was either subconscious wisdom or just her having a bloody good laugh.

The whole country squirmed with Ziggy as Nicky attempted her stand up comedy routine. It was like Maggie Thatcher topping the bill at a Miners Social Club.

The Chiggys auditioned for their very own shower gel advert. Well I think they were cleaning each other! Once again they were interrupted by Sam who seems to make a habit of walking into rooms and making the most inane comments at really inappropriate moments.

A nervous Nicky was ejected to the biggest boos this year, so far. Her exit was as awkward as her behaviour had been for most of the last 7 weeks. I always got the impression that Nicky never actually meant to come into the house. The whole experience for her was like she’d been picked for the hockey team when she really wanted to be home watching Deal or No Deal with her Nan.

Ziggy is still indecisive about his romance with Chanelle and he also changes his mind about staying in the house more times than Charley changes her hot pants. After yet another tedious row with the mouth of the south, he was begging Big Brother to let him go. We all knew that after a night under the duvet with his Wakefield comfort blanket he’d decide to give it another go ;-)

This week’s intellectual incident occurred during the debating task. When Chanelle was quizzed about the meaning of happiness, the wistful WAGabe asked ‘Is this what philosophy is? Deep stuff?’ William James couldn’t have put it any better.

BBTV went on air this week for the shopping task. Let’s hope they don’t fill the schedule with The Charley Show! I’m not being funny and I’m only being honest and I’m not lying but that would be worse than being tied to a chair and forced to watch repeats of It Ain’t Half Hot Mum on UKTV Gold.

Big Mama's House

G’day possums. I’ve been on holiday for a few days so missed some shows. The only thing of note that happened whilst I was away was when I slipped on the remains of a deep fried haggis and fell into the path of a Blackpool taxi. I very nearly had my own Alan Bradley moment!

Anyway back to the business at hand. What a bunch of dags. The lovely Pooh suckered the Pommies and had them reaching for their inner Kookaburra during a bizarre spiritual session in the garden. Pauline helped the housemates feel their animal spirits in her best Kath & Kim accent. Chanelle didn’t look best pleased at being told her guide was a deadly poisonous 3 tailed monkey fish.

The Chiggy’s finally called it a day (again) but by the evening they were canoodling on the chaise longue. Kate & Pete have fewer ups and downs ;-) Despite Ziggy saying that things haven’t worked out he’s still managing to wangle a kiss and a cuddle whenever he feels like a bit of lurve. He should mean what he says but then he never really says what he means so Chanelle will be dangling for a while longer. She should just tell him to rack off!

Nicky and Gerry clash on a regular basis so why the hell did he allow her to take her revenge on his barnet? I don’t think that his uneven back and sides will start a trend down Old Compton Street this summer.

Can’t get you out of my head looked more like a satanic transvestite gathering than a Kylie video. Gerry was so desperate to take the lead. I haven’t seen so much pushing and shoving in stilettos since America’s Next Top Model.

Spunky Brian celebrated his birthday and becoming a man with cider, cakes and Carole dancing like David Brent. The mouth of Basildon treated us to more gems like - What’s a Greek salad? Is it like a kebab? Then he surprises everyone with this pearl of wisdom - Politics is just showbiz for ugly people. He’s cleverer than he looks that lad. The way he outed the fake Pooh in the task was a stroke of genius.

On Thursday, the happy little Vegemites sang their hearts out for a piece of Peace and stood proud beside their shonky desert duvet. It was like Band Aid being sponsored by Poundstretcher.

Carole has well and truly taken control of the parenting duties and spent the week dishing out her own punishments for spilled jelly, missing toothpaste and flapping doors. Talking of which. Ziggy was treated to a Sharon Stone moment across the sofas. Unfortunately for him it was Carole’s bits that were on display. Strewth. How much more suffering can these girls inflict on the poor guy?

The lads naked nominations brightened the start of the week but Carole’s nagging finally made Ziggy snap and even the Twins stood up to her constant scolding. Well I say stood but they were actually bobbing in the pool in string bikinis with goose bumps.

Next up for a frightening haircut was Brian. I hope he washed the bowl afterwards. Carole will be on the warpath again if she finds a stray hair!

Hairy Potter

Billi. Billi who? It was business as usual with Carole and her hirsute chin pottering around the kitchen and generally being Mum to the unruly kids. Unfortunately we lost Big Daddy Jonathan this week too. His tearful exit showed us that not everyone in that house is without humility and selflessness.

It was Charley’s birthday at the weekend and they threw her a Moulin Rouge party. It was really just an excuse for her and Chanelle to swan around with their bums hanging out. The twins’ feather boas are starting to look a bit tired now and I suspect they won’t last the summer. Never mind eh. I’m sure Claire’s Accessories are standing by with an open cheque book for the girls once they’re out.

Charley got drunk on less alcohol than there is in a swig of Listerine and decided that Ziggy really fancies her. Apparently he only got with Chanelle because she jumped into bed with him after 24 hours. She’s only being honest, of course.

An insightful Carole wrestled her way into the diary room for the 7 Deadly Sins task. She chose Wrath for Charley but she could just as easily have picked Envy, Pride, Sloth or Greed. You know what yeh. She actually fits the bill with most of them. Now I’m only being honest.

Ziggy’s glutton task was a piece of cake. Well cakes, sweets and assorted savouries actually. Sitting in a room, opposite an inert pig’s head was no problem for him. He’s been doing that in the bedroom for the last month.

The look on Gerry’s face when Liam walked into the bedroom in leather shorts was classic. I’m sure he’ll be dreaming about that vision for weeks, whilst clutching his monkey. I had a similar moment during BBLB on Wednesday when Dermot pulled off his hotdog to reveal his own leather ensemble! Trust my mate Max to get on the show with Dermot showing his legs and topless men in lycra. Grrrr

The Sin Party was like watching an Agent Provocateur night at Butlins. They all looked well sexy in a Bognor Regis kinda way. Sadly it wasn’t a good look for Carole who put me in mind of Uncle Fester wearing a road kill hat. Oh and I’ve sent an email to Channel 4 to recommend that Brian should be allowed to keep his gimp suit in case he has another nocturnal leak.

Don’t you just love Ziggy’s sense of drama. His collapse on the shower floor following the next round in the love triangle saga was about as subtle as an episode of Sunset Beach. Is it any wonder that Chanelle doesn’t know where she stands with him. He’s so woolly and non-committal it’s like he was born to play a part in Hollyoaks.

Determined not to be overshadowed again Charley decided to paint her body for the cameras. A concerned Carole was careful to make sure she didn’t look tarty. I suspect that Carole will never have a career as a Personal Shopper.

The Wang Sloth wobbled out of the house on Friday wearing her entire wardrobe. As the jeering reached a crescendo she ditched the smelly leopard robe to reveal a jacket she must have mugged off a Canadian tourist.

The housemates didn’t even have time to wipe away their crocodile tears before the plasma flickered and fake Pooh appeared from a land down under.

I’m convinced that the sham Sheila won’t be able to keep up the scam all week but the housemates watched in awe as she destroyed Charley’s character with a psychic reading on her kangaroo burger. Flaming bonzer mate