Happy Chocolate Weekend

4 days of sunshine, alcohol and chocolate. Sound good? Well leaving work on Thursday I was cock-a-hoop at the prospect of 4 days of hedonistic bliss. Well laying around getting pissed watching DVDs and devouring chocolate eggs would be a more accurate description of the plan.

Thursday night I was due to go out for a couple of beers with mates but after dinner I was quite happy to snuggle up on the Linda Barker and settle down for a musical cheese-fest with Britney, Cher and Dead or Alive. Pete Burns had just started wiggling his arse around in a pair of satin tassle pants when - BANG! The fuses blew in the house. Shit! I thought we'd had another power cut. Well for about 5 seconds because the lights were still on so that couldn't be?

I stood up and looked down the hall and it was then that I saw the smoke coming from the kitchen and the pungent smell reached me. I rushed passed the dog who was fast asleep in her bed number 3 in the hall and could see the smoke was getting thicker as I reached the kitchen. My heart was racing now and as I turned into the kitchen I saw thick smoke billowing from the dishwasher and crackling noises coming from inside.

After opening the back door I turned the dishwasher off. Why I don't know cos the fuses had gone but you don't think clearly in these situations. I then debated closing the back door as I wasn't sure if the fresh air would fan the fire. Seemed like ages before I came to my senses but it was probably seconds. Rushed back to the lounge to call the fire brigade.

Hi-tech digital phone was dead as the power was off. Old fashioned simple phones have a lot going for them! Found mobile and called 999. Think it's the first time in my life I've done that!

Here's how the convo went

Her - emergency which service?
Me - FIREBRIGADE
Her - What's the address
Me - XX XXXXXXXXXX ROAD!
Her - What road are you near?
Me - Ehhhhhhhh! Oh I dunno? Sainsbury's ....
Her - are you near xxxxxxxxxx Hill?
Me - Oh yeh!
Her - what's happened?
Me - (in high-pitched squeally voice) My dishwasher's caught fire!
Her - are you outside?
Me - No! I'm in the kitchen!
Her - Can you please go outside immediately!
Me - OK
Her - They're on they're way. Please wait outside until they arrive.
Me - OK thanks.

Ran down hall and scooped up dog who was still fast asleep. Thought dogs were supposed to have a 6th sense or at least a good sense of smell!

Was only outside for about 2 minutes when the sirens and flashing blue lights came charging round the corner and out jumped the boys in their sexy uniforms. I told them where the kitchen was and they disappeared into the smoke. The dog kept trying to go in too. She wanted to get back to her bed I think.

I was shaking like a leaf and trying not to make it obvious to the boys. Curiously not one of the lads was in the least bit sexy? Next thing the neighbours start popping out and asking what's happened and if I'm OK. I can still hear the cries of 'Your DISHWASHER????' and see the eyes rolling. Why did it have to be such a gay sounding fire.

They all trooped out and said all's OK. Just a bit smelly. They were off almost as quickly as they had arrived. I went back in. Slung the dog back in her bed and she just turned to the wall and fell asleep. Ungrateful bitch. Doesn't she know I rescued her from a smoke-filled death trap LOL.

Here's the remains of the dishwasher

What did I learn from this experience

1. Never leave appliances on when you leave the house. Just think what might have been if I had gone out!

2. Dogs are stupid

3. Not all firemen are sexy!

Friday was pretty uneventful thank goodness.

Saturday was spent clearing out crap from the garden and taking it to the dump along with the remains of dishwasher. Looked like all of Croydon had decided to do the same thing as there was a queue about a mile long to get in. We were sat there, trapped for about 45 minutes. The smell of the burnt out dishwasher wiring mingling with damp garden refuse and fox's piss was overpowering and making our eyes water.

Eventually the queue got moving and we heard that the security guards had closed the place due to some arsey type in a white van jumping the queue and threatening them. They had a hissy fit and decided the best plan was to shut the place down. Good plan boys!

Result of all this garden activity followed by sitting awkwardly in the van on a bag of leftover tile bits is that my back is killing me again so bath and bed for me!

Still not moving well today and had some terrible news from someone very special to me xxxxx

What a shit weekend! The dog agrees. She's just left one for me by the back door...............

5 Minute Miracle Face Tonic........my arse!

Having survived weeks of vet trips/bills and bending over the bath rubbing anti-bacterial/fungal shampoo on my dog's arse I was looking forward to a special evening on Saturday. A group of mates, who I hadn't seen for ages, were coming round for a bit of a reunion party at my abode. It was housemate's birthday the other day so it was a timely gathering.

Now to say I've been a tad stressed lately is like saying Camilla Parker-Bowles is an old trout who get's Charle's todger twitching. It's a fact that is best kept behind closed doors and not discussed in public. So before meeting my old mates I thought I would have a relaxing home-spa afternoon to de-stress and get my sparkle back.

Bath was run and candles lit. Dug out Laura Pausini CD and had it gently playing on the toilet seat. Well on the CD player sat on the toilet seat.

I'd been shopping in the morning and decided to treat myself to a Face Tonic to de-stress the visage. 5 minute miracle it said. Vibrant Fresh Skin - FAST! Explosively invigorates you for the night or day ahead. Perfect I thought.

Gently eased myself into the Seaweed & Watermint bath. Tore open the face tonic mask and smoothed it across my face as I lay back in the hot bubbles being soothed by the Italian diva.

About a minute later I felt this tingling sensation across my cheeks and forehead. I thought that must be the mask cleansing my pores. The tingling soon became a burning sensation and it was at that point I started to worry. The lovely 'orange' fragrance of the mask suddenly put me in mind of Mr Muscle Limescale Remover. For an instant I felt like I couldn't breath as the pungent odour caught the back of my throat. I sat up with start and knocked the bath tidy on to the floor. Pulled the mask off my searing flesh and grabbed a facecloth. Tried to rinse the stuff off but could still feel the 'tonic' burning into my skin. Stood up and turned the shower on and sprayed my face with tepid water for a bout 10 minutes. So much for the relaxing Seaweed & Watermint bath.

Half a bottle of Nivea Sensitive Balm later and the pain has subsided but my face looks like I've been sunbathing in a balaklava! By the time my mates arrive the throbbing & sweats have begun and the shocked look on their faces suggests they think I've let myself go a bit and need to drink more water to flush those toxins out of my system. I show them the remains of the mask and explain the reason for my odd look and I think they believed me.

Ok Ok I know there is a warning on the back that says you should do a sensitivity test on your arm before using the mask but who'd suspect that something so 'healthy' and 'fruity' sounding and costing only 89p could result in a DIY chemical peel.