Swamp Thing

Well the week started with some tabloid tattle that suggested Mario had intended to propose to Lisa while he was in the house. What a missed opportunity. It could have been Big Brother’s first same-sex marriage ;-)

As Rex’s girlfriend settled into the house we discovered that she’d worked in pantomimes before. She’ll fit in to the house, no problem. I’m just not convinced Rex is her Prince Charming. Their body language is like a cat and a sparrow shut in a wheelie bin. Rex’s domineering cuddles are more like watching The Undertaker putting a headlock on Hulk Hogan than a loving boyfriend.

Rex and Nicole continued to grapple with each other all week over the divide, whilst new Head of House Rachel tried her best to endear herself to everyone. She was thwarted at every turn and landed up in more hot water than it took to wash a trolley load of dirty dishes. God help the education system these days with teachers like Rachel who don’t know the meaning of the word ‘peril’.

Another relationship in the house was having it’s ups and downs. Darnell was certainly having that problem in his shorts every time slinky Sara was close by. Instead of trying to disguise his embarrassment at Sara’s hugs and flirting he wore his heart on his trakkie bottoms and was following her around like a giant poodle all week. His insecurities spilled out all over the bedroom when he got jealous of the flirty Aussie chatting with surly Stu. His paranoia created a whole sub-plot about Kat and Rachel conspiring to help Sara get into Stuart’s pants and using him as a scapegoat. No I still don’t understand the concept either. Me thinks he’s missing his wacky backy!

Mo’s been a bit like wallpaper recently so it was refreshing to see him stumbling out of the Diary Room this week in silver wedge sandals and ankle socks. It’s not the first time that Mo’s been in touch with his feminine side. I wonder what Alex would have said at his latest venture into transvestism. If they ever do a black, gay, Muslim version of Grease, he’d make a great Pink Lady.

There was a lot of food around this week which is not a good thing with Mikey around. Now I know he’s blind but my dogs had better table manners. Things got off to a sickly start when he decided to masticate a bucket of sprouts and regurgitate his efforts to make it easier to swallow. Two hours later he gave up, beaten by the smelly green bile that covered his face and hair. He looked like Swamp Thing with a bilious stomach upset.

His involvement in the cake making task was a scream. He mixed the icing with his bare hands, much to Nicole’s horror. He then proceeded to dump the gloopy contents of his bowl over the cake, but completely missed the target and iced the table leg instead.

Despite having messy Mikey on the team, Rachel decided that Hell’s Millenium Dome cake was a winner. To me it looked more like someone had tipped over a sanitary towel bin.

The only highlight of a very dull eviction was the extremely gratuitous task thrown at Stu & Dale at the last minute to make sure we got our pound of bronzed flesh. The only point of the two Himbos dashing around the house in skimpy Speedos was obviously to give us something to watch later on V+ with freeze frame.

Nothing much changed after Dimbo was evicted and reunited with his Northern Cash Cow. Darnell continued to moon over Sara. Stuart and Mo sat around not saying very much and Rex and Nicole bickered over stuff they couldn’t talk about.

I can’t believe my views on Rex have changed so much in the last 7 days. His childish tantrums and constant nagging at Nicole are unbearable to watch.

The pinnacle of his strops had to be the way he reacted to Nicole discovering he had an ‘outy’ belly button. He was furious that she didn’t already know what direction it went. You’d have thought she’d made reference to his Arthur Scargill comb-over from his black mood.