Hairy Potter

Billi. Billi who? It was business as usual with Carole and her hirsute chin pottering around the kitchen and generally being Mum to the unruly kids. Unfortunately we lost Big Daddy Jonathan this week too. His tearful exit showed us that not everyone in that house is without humility and selflessness.

It was Charley’s birthday at the weekend and they threw her a Moulin Rouge party. It was really just an excuse for her and Chanelle to swan around with their bums hanging out. The twins’ feather boas are starting to look a bit tired now and I suspect they won’t last the summer. Never mind eh. I’m sure Claire’s Accessories are standing by with an open cheque book for the girls once they’re out.

Charley got drunk on less alcohol than there is in a swig of Listerine and decided that Ziggy really fancies her. Apparently he only got with Chanelle because she jumped into bed with him after 24 hours. She’s only being honest, of course.

An insightful Carole wrestled her way into the diary room for the 7 Deadly Sins task. She chose Wrath for Charley but she could just as easily have picked Envy, Pride, Sloth or Greed. You know what yeh. She actually fits the bill with most of them. Now I’m only being honest.

Ziggy’s glutton task was a piece of cake. Well cakes, sweets and assorted savouries actually. Sitting in a room, opposite an inert pig’s head was no problem for him. He’s been doing that in the bedroom for the last month.

The look on Gerry’s face when Liam walked into the bedroom in leather shorts was classic. I’m sure he’ll be dreaming about that vision for weeks, whilst clutching his monkey. I had a similar moment during BBLB on Wednesday when Dermot pulled off his hotdog to reveal his own leather ensemble! Trust my mate Max to get on the show with Dermot showing his legs and topless men in lycra. Grrrr

The Sin Party was like watching an Agent Provocateur night at Butlins. They all looked well sexy in a Bognor Regis kinda way. Sadly it wasn’t a good look for Carole who put me in mind of Uncle Fester wearing a road kill hat. Oh and I’ve sent an email to Channel 4 to recommend that Brian should be allowed to keep his gimp suit in case he has another nocturnal leak.

Don’t you just love Ziggy’s sense of drama. His collapse on the shower floor following the next round in the love triangle saga was about as subtle as an episode of Sunset Beach. Is it any wonder that Chanelle doesn’t know where she stands with him. He’s so woolly and non-committal it’s like he was born to play a part in Hollyoaks.

Determined not to be overshadowed again Charley decided to paint her body for the cameras. A concerned Carole was careful to make sure she didn’t look tarty. I suspect that Carole will never have a career as a Personal Shopper.

The Wang Sloth wobbled out of the house on Friday wearing her entire wardrobe. As the jeering reached a crescendo she ditched the smelly leopard robe to reveal a jacket she must have mugged off a Canadian tourist.

The housemates didn’t even have time to wipe away their crocodile tears before the plasma flickered and fake Pooh appeared from a land down under.

I’m convinced that the sham Sheila won’t be able to keep up the scam all week but the housemates watched in awe as she destroyed Charley’s character with a psychic reading on her kangaroo burger. Flaming bonzer mate