To Have & To Hold

Still missing Dermy but have to admit I’m warming to George and his Mallen streak. So far we’ve only glimpsed a bronzed ankle but I’m sure we’ll have the pleasure of his muscley thighs soon. I keep emailing the production team so fingers crossed.

The fake wedding this week was genius. Mario, the Warrington Legend, joined in matrimony with sulky Steph whilst his orange partner looked on with a face tighter than Danni Minogue’s forehead. After days of ‘will they or won’t they’ the ceremony went ahead as planned and was only interrupted momentarily when the sour faced Alex got up and said she thought the whole thing was a sham. Across the land you could hear cries of ‘Sit down and shut up you muppet’.

The happy couple’s joy was short lived as a sneaky BB promptly told the housemates that there was a genuine couple in the house and at that point it dawned on everyone that the only possible choice was Mario & Lisa. They came from the same place, were the same age and their bodies were similar in size and colour. Lisa has bigger ears and broader shoulders but that wasn’t enough to put the HM’s off the scent. Rumbled!

Dale had his mono-brow plucked by the lovely but dour Geordie Jen. You could tell there’s something stirring with this pair as they eyed each other over the spaghetti like a Chav version of Lady & the Tramp.

Alex, the Waddon Witch spat lazy insults at everyone all week. No one was safe except for her flying monkeys, Sylvia and Dennis, who she sends out to spread rumours and fuel paranoia across the house. Her rages this week were over a violated lighter, a damp thong and some spoiled chips. Here’s a woman who truly knows her petty self. I bet the clipboards at Channel 4 Towers are snapping away to find ways and means to save the vile, volatile creature from eviction for a few weeks. Alex is this year’s Channel 4 Cash Cow. Remember I told you!

The highlight for me this week was the electric shock task. When Jen appealed to Dennis and Rachel to stop because there were people in tears she wasn’t joking. I was crying with laughter at the jolting jessies everytime their bums were zapped.

When Kat went to the Diary Room to appeal to Big Brother for some relief, I was laughing so much I coughed up a bit of beetroot from earlier. Crying her little eyes out in that shiny red lycra suit she looked like the Diary Room had just given birth. Kat is my early favoutrite. What's not to like about a Cookie Queen who likes boy sausage. HIRRRARRRIOUS.

Have you noticed how intolerant this lot are to alcohol. After a couple of glasses of watered down WKD and they were all falling over and unable to string a sentence together. Sylvia was a particualr stand out as she wobbled round the decking like Kelly Rowland staggering home after a bitch fight with Beyoncé.

To be honest I wasn't that fussed about losing Steph on Friday. I barely understood a word she said while she was in there. It wasn't so much the Scouse accent but the fact that she sounded like she was chewing a tampon when she spoke.

We always lose a girl in Week 1. I'm just not sure we lost the right one this year.