She's just a Devil Woman.....

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhh!

That’s better. I’ve been so stressed this week watching the Waddon Witch that I think I’ve developed peptic ulcer! How the hell did the BB producers actually manage to find someone worse than Charley? What the hell is wrong with these South London girls and what gives them such an attitude and misguided self assurance? Any road up. More about her later…….unfortunately.

It’s not all been aggression this week. We’ve had budding romance and sleeze. The latter, coming from oily Mario and his statuesque, lycra-clad lover. The pair of them were all over each other all week. It was like watching Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler wrestling Jeff Hardy on Monday Night Raw. They nearly did come to blows at one point when Mario passed a rather rude comment about Lisa’s makeup. Mind you she did look she’d just eaten a cow pat at the time. Someone had to say something.

I know everyone hates Mario but I have to say I’ve taken a shine to this David Brent on steroids. He’s so vain and a bit pervy with it. When he told Lisa he wanted to dip his custard cream in some hot juicy tea you just knew he wasn’t talking PG Tips. He’s a class housemate. I hope he doesn’t get booted next week.

A brooding sexual chemistry developed between Jen & Dale, the house chipmunks. Just like their Disney counterparts one of them is the bossy, serious one and the other is a bit dim. I let you make your own mind up about which one is which. Suffice to say that Dale’s input to the discussion about beauty being skin deep was - “If you’re attractive and you’re a ****, you might as well have no face”.

That Mikey’s been upsetting Sylvia again. First he sneezed and dropped his snotty tissue into the crisps during the task. Ok I know that’s a bit unhealthy but the poor lad can’t see where his bogeys are flying. 24 hours later he’d upset her again by asking her to keep the noise down in the bedroom.

Talking of noise. The Karaoke marathon was very funny. Rex just didn’t seem to care. Dennis thought he was Bonnie Tyler. Well, Bonnie Tyler with a wobbly 12-pack. Sylvia’s efforts were the most bizarre. Why was she singing Total Eclipse of the Heart with a fake Jamaican accent? It was like she was doing the Ragga dancehall version but she sounded more like Zig and Zag.

Mikey wasn’t the only one in trouble this week. Poor Becs was so excited when the luxury food arrived. Her happiness was short lived though. In her eagerness to get stuck into the shopping she picked up the ‘Go To Jail’ card and had to spend the rest of the afternoon behind bars looking like a bored panda wearing Bet Lynch’s earings.

Back to the bitch then. I’m appalled to think that Alex is in my Hood. If I ever bump into her in Sainsburys I’m gonna deck her with a bag of BBQ charcoal. Trust me. This woman will never be ready. Memba a told you that. Memba a told you. Pow, pow, pow, pow. Idiot. Thank God she’s gone. My blood pressure has come down and I did a normal poo this morning for the first time in 10 days. I’m as relaxed as her hair now.

We finished last night with a new housemate called Stuart. Jen and Sylvia were all over him like they’d just come into season. The others were more cautious and a bit suspicious of him. I have to admit that I am too. He looks like a bearded lady. He’s obviously had makeup tips from Jodie Marsh.