Sweet Sixteen

The first couple into the house are a couple! Yes, Sylvester Stallone’s older brother and his sunbed princess are BB UK’s first real life couple to enter the house. I wonder what odds I’d get at Paddy Power for them to be single before September? I spent the first half hour thinking Mario looked very familiar before the penny dropped. He’s already appeared on a lesser reality show featuring petty criminals being banged up in America’s toughest jail. He obviously enjoys being incarcerated with n’er do wells.

I always thought that people who worked at British wrestling shows were a bit odd. Like the boy at school who ate his lunch behind the science block and smelled of frog spawn. However Luke seems quite sweet but I nearly choked on a spring onion when he said people think he’s gay. Sorry my new summer friend, but your complete lack of fashion sense belies your gayness. I’ve seen bingo callers with more style.

Time for some vacuous totty next and BB delivered once again. Steph is a Scouse hotty who was a Girls Aloud reject. Big lips and stick legs. Heat magazine will devour her.

Stephanie must have been looking forward to a Summer time of love with boys, boys, boys. Instead Big Brother has paired her off with oily Mario and they’re to be married on Sunday round the pool. I wonder if Lisa will catch the bouquet. Where’s the honeymoon? Steph didn’t look best pleased at the thought of getting lumbered with the greasy lump.

Tiny Rachel was up next. Apparently she has two Yorkshire Terriers at home. The way she was yack, yack, yacking I reckon she’s been spending too much time in their company. Davina said Rachel’s half the size she was a year ago. Give her a couple more and she’ll be sharing a basket with her Yorkie mates at that rate.

Next to leap out of the A Team van was Jamie Maguire off Shameless. A real player by all accounts. You could tell. He was already halfway out of his pants before he got into the house. I have to admit that I drooled a bit at his intro.

Sylvia with sexy eyes slinked up the stairs next. Not sure the combination of purple dress, big orange flower and cow print stilettos was a good choice to be honest. Stick an Afro on her and she could have been Norwood’s answer to Crystal Tips.

WOW! Fabulous dancing Dennis erupted out of the van like a chubby Liza Minelli, only more feminine. Shaking his tush and moulting sequins en-route, he was totally oblivious to the jeering crowd. Dennis was doing his own amateur night version of A Chorus Line and no one was gonna rain on his parade.

I’m not sure what the crowd made of Michael. Should we cheer or jeer a blind, Scottish, transvestite wearing an Ikea rug? It’s a dilemma that not many of us have prepared for.

A sour faced harridan from Croydon appeared next, in a purple nightie. She reminded me of surly Dawn from BB7. You know. The one who smelled and got flung out for cheating. I bet this one will be shaking her hair extensions at some poor bugger by the end of the weekend. I’m sure I’ve seen her before. I think it was at Primark Customer Services. She was shouting at a small Pole and waving a £2 bikini around.

Rex next and proof that not all gingers are mingers. His gay Dad has obviously taught him well, but he lost points for wearing roasting tins on his feet. He wants to be a professional bully. Not in those shoes mate.

Then came a Toy Demonstrator from Somalia. What the fuck is one of them. He seems like a nice lad. The last time we had a war zone refugee in the house it all ended in plate smashing when Ahmed freaked. Mohammed looks more stable, sadly.

If you thought the Twins from last year were incomprehensible then take a look at Becs. I’ve watched her VT six times now and can only make out the words - boys, drunk and stupid. She has an interesting wide face. A bit like Nadia, if Nadia looked like a girl.

Highlight of the night for me was Darnell. He’s the mad monk from The DaVinci Code! He seems to suffer from the same problem as Rebecca. The housemates tried for ages to catch his name. They called him Daniel, they called him Donald. That's not his name, that's not his name. They gave up in the end and just smiled at him. Not even an albino in slippers phased this lot.

The obligatory mouthy Geordie was up next. Well there’s always one. Imagine Cheryl Cole with a receding hairline. That’s our Jennifer.

The final housemate to enter the house this year was like a Thai version of Jimmy Krankie, wearing gold diving boots and pink plastic pants. I hope Big Brother doesn’t give her any ping pong balls!

What a motley crew and don’t we just bloody love it. I’m hooked already and fell asleep on the sofa last night watching some people sitting in a giant white ashtray.