These boots were made for walking

Freddie & Monkety Tunkety were granted some respite from the madness this week when Big Brother sent them on a world tour. Everyone cheered and clapped except for a very grumpy Tracy. She’d managed to struggle out of bed to see them off but just sat there stony faced, glaring at the monitor. Instead of wishing them well she just shook her head and asked ‘are we in an asylum’. I’m surprised it took her 11 weeks to work that one out! From Blackpool to Beijing the cheeky chimps sent postcards and food parcels for the increasingly hungry housemates. Food is once again on everyone’s lips. Or not as the case may be.

Carole’s moaning went into overdrive after she was punished for stashing chocolate biscuits and interfering with an egg. She deflected her guilt by attacking Gerry at every opportunity. He couldn’t even say he was hungry or move a jug of water in the kitchen without getting a stream of profanities from the Kitchen Commandant. The scene was set for a Greek tragedy.

Tracy’s been like Dr Jekyll & Sister Hyde all week. One minute she’s everyone’s best mate and then the next she’s snarling at people from her duvet for faking their feelings and their real age. Has she never used online dating websites? It’s not uncommon for people on Gaydar to actually get younger every year ;-)

This was the best eviction of the series, so far. Gerry became the Guru’s chosen one after his gushing plea to save Carole. Beaming from ear to ear, he lapped up the crowd who gave him a surprisingly good reception. Davina seemed to have the hots for him when they met in the flesh. I think it was the jack boots that had her twiddling with her hair as she gave his best bits a once over.

Gerry wasn’t the only person in kinky boots on Friday. I flicked over to E4 to be confronted by Pete Burns looking like a 6 foot sex toy in black rubber up to his earrings.

Carole’s food obsession seems to be rubbing off on the rest of the gang as they squabbled over who had the best pizza after the Beat Big Brother task. Kara Louise made a sprint for the table and claimed the Chicken Supreme whilst the lads moped about with hackles raised like a pack of hyenas arriving late at a carcass.

The lack of sustenance doesn't appear to have affected Liam's waistline but obviously shut down supplies to his grey matter. During one of his laconic conversations with Brian, the jovial Geordie was heard to remark 'You cuddle Amanda different to Sam, but not in a physical way'. Is there another way to cuddle, like?

I learnt a couple of life lessons this week too. First off, Amanda & Liam taught us that you can pinch the skin on your elbow, dead hard like, and it won’t be painful. The other remarkable revelation came from Carole who informed us very wisely that the cure for cramp is to squeeze your bottom lip for 30 seconds. Thanks for the advice Carole. Now tell me what’s the best remedy for a bust lip!

Love don't live here anymore

Just as it looked like Love Don’t Live Here Anymore, a tipsy Brian and Manda slurped each other noisily under the duvet after a glass of wine. Their kissing sounded like someone trying to drink a McDonald’s milk shake with a bent straw. Would this be the next big romance in the house? Shut up! After a few nervous grins the next morning it looks like Brian is going solo again with only hairy shoulders and man boobs sharing his bed.

Carole was obsessing about the food again. It was bad enough that people actually ate the Crunchy Nut Cornflakes but I thought she might walk when Kara stuffed the chicken with her nut roast. After some cake baking therapy, Carole composed herself and decided to take her revenge in the Diary Room during nominations.

No surprise that the newbies were all up this week but boy did the slop hit the fan when Amy, Kara and Jonty were shown all the nominations. Jonty sniggered at the complaints about his farting and Kara just cried again. Amy was affronted at being labelled a gold digging slag and seethed in the bathroom whilst Brian nodded sympathetically at her cleavage.

The dreams task was a bit bizarre even by Big Brother standards but I bet it’s not the first time some of the housemates have had a cheesy helmet.

Next up was catwalk modelling and we had Liam and Jonty swishing around the house like Boy George and Philip Salon arriving at the Blitz Club. It was nice to see the lads getting close to their feminine side but I’m not sure Ziggy’s ‘Joyce Grenfell @ Claire’s Accessories’ look was a winner to be honest.

Gerry seemed less than impressed with Jonty and Monkety Tunkety fraternising with Freddy in the bedroom on Friday. He nipped things in the bud by accidentally (on purpose) sucking up his small woolly chimp with the hoover. A look of Hannibal Lecter flashed across Jonty’s face. If I was Gerry I’d sleep with one eye open from now on.

I don’t think the housemates missed Amy after she left. Amanda was deffo confused too. Apparently she thought that Amy thought that she thought that Amy thought that she thought she didn’t like her. Or something like that.

Something’s happened to Tracey this week. She’s rampant. The way she was preying on Liam and Ziggy at the weekend was like an alpha she-wolf who’d just come into season. All it took was the lads in wet shorts and 2 glasses of wine and she was terrifying the bewildered boys with her sexual advances. I think she really wanted to ‘ave it!

I’m getting so tired of the Food Monitor. Carole’s narking is getting beyond a joke now. Another cereal battle broke out as Gerry was targeted again for eating without permission. Even Liam & Ziggy are feeling uncomfortable with their Mama’s dining room dominance. In the middle of the raging battle Brian contemplated a solution to the food shortage when he found a bogey up his nose. Now that’s a real Guru!

The highlight of the week actually occurred outside the house when Dermot appeared on BBLB in head to toe pink lycra and treated Davina and the viewers to something interesting going on between his legs. Dermot complained about the state of his feet. Trust me mate. No one was looking at your feet!

Big Night in Borehamwood!

I was grinning from ear to ear as a 7 foot security guard led us down the housemate walkway towards the VIP paddock. The place was a lot smaller than I expected but the atmosphere was electric. My heart was beating so fast I thought my vibrating mobile alert was going off.

After a quick warm up we were introduced to the divine Davina. She looked stunning. Like Emma Peel going speed dating. She played with the crowd and even persuaded a rather cute and crumpled Dermot to take a bow before the cameras started rolling.

First up were two matching twizzle sticks who giggled their way into the house and then promptly fell in the bath.

An old dear in stretch pants and pumps swept by. She looked like she was there to audit the books and had taken the wrong turning.

Another girl was next. Charley was like Sinitta on a tight budget. The poor girl didn‘t quite live up to her video and she got a bit of a roasting from the crowd.

By the time Tracey arrived it was clear we were going to have a house full of estrogen.

The crowd was ecstatic. Tracey looked like what you might get if Sir Jimmy Savile exploded in a Flea Market. I shook her hand. Can you believe I’ve been touched by the hand of a 37 year old cleaner from Cambridge.

The smiley Welsh girl appeared to have come dressed as a Liquorice Allsort for some reason. I think she had the same stylist as Shab who was wide-eyed with leggings.

We also got a Posh Spice wannabe and a wannabe posh bird. There was one with a fringe who was a bit fed up and hated men. She’d obviously come to the right house.

They saved the best until last. Carole the activist exploded from her limo wearing some curtains from a Blackpool B&B. The crowd loved her and she loved her moment. It was a magical experience for her and us.

It may have been like watching the hen party from hell but I loved every clucking moment.

Bring on the boys