The Night of the Scatwoman

I’m totally fed up with Mario and his endless tales of his extensive work experience. That colourful CV is more fabricated than Lee McQueen off The Apprentice. When he claimed to have worked as a stunt double for Paul Burrell nobody thought to ask what stunts an ex-butler might be doing.

Mario must be the only man that can make working as a postman sound like The Bourne Conspiracy. He suggested his departure from the PO was very clandestine. Luke was hanging on every word as Mario winked and squinted behind his fake D&G shades. He looked shifty. Maybe he’s worried that MI5 are surveying the house.

The only job that doesn’t seem to appear on Mario’s list of achievements is Executive Chef. I reckon that’s why he’s jealous of Rex but what I want to know is - what the hell is one of them? Is it someone who cooks the books? Sorry ;-)

Dale was in a foul mood after his Jen got the old heave-ho. Scruffy Sara was doing her best to win him over but the surly Scouser was having none of it. When she complimented him on his looks and said he was very youthful he spat back ‘Thanks. That’s really insulting’. I think he was rejecting her friendship to show loyalty to the ex. Little does he know that Geordie Jen is now slagging him off in the tabloids after seeing his audition VT. I think that’s called Karma.

I’m always struggling to find something to write about redundant Rachel. She really is a useless housemate. Her shocking revelation this week was that she can eat lots of grapes. I wonder if that’s what swung it for her at her Big Brother audition. Hey! I can eat a whole jar of peanut butter whilst watching Big Brother’s Big Mouth. I might audition next year.

Belinda is getting a lot of stick this week. Despite the Scatwoman’s attempts to entertain and audition for Ronnie Scott’s she’s gone down like, and resembles, a lead balloon. Poor Scatwoman, Scatwoman, Scatwoman. Her snoring has caused another furore. This lot can bitch and argue at the best of times without adding sleep deprivation into the mix. Belinda has been bullied into moving between bedrooms each night to spread her nocturnal noises across the house more fairly. If I was in there I’d be asking for Luke and Bex to spread themselves a bit more thinly too.

The newbies have created the usual paranoia amongst the paranoid in the house. Rebecca is convinced Sara is fake because she wears the same foundation as her. I don’t think that’s true. Rebecca looks like she buys her makeup at Cash Converters.

Luke thinks the girls are BB agents because they’re immune from nominations. Has he not watched the show before? Mario P.I. is also suspicious and claims to have probed Sarah a few times. I wonder if Lisa knows?

Luke suspects he’s being attacked by a poltergeist during the night. No Luke. That’s just burly Bex tossing in her sleep. I’m convinced that Rebecca is also to blame for the evil smells in the toilet. You watch. Every time someone talks about a stink she’s hovering in the background looking guilty. Is it just me or does Bex actually look like she smells of lager and chips.

In the shopping task dull Dale transformed into Mr Motivator. He took his role very seriously but was like Michael Flatley without the ability to flick an ankle. He produced a quivering mass of jiggling breasts, muscles and love handles. More Blubber Dance than River Dance.

Lisa is the clumsiest aerobics teacher I’ve ever seen. No sense of rhythm at all. She dances like The Incredible Hulk. Little wonder they failed miserably.

I’d like to say thanks for all your nice comments and feedback. I’m off on holiday for 2 weeks. I can feel the withdrawal symptoms kicking in already x