Happy Happy Hirsute House

The housemates reacted very oddly to Sylvia’s departure. It seemed like they dealt with their upset by grooming. I noticed this strange behaviour when I caught Lisa shaving her moustache with a Bic whilst exfoliating Mario’s knees in the bath.

Dale started growing his facial hair but that was more about competing with the other ape for the affections of stringy Jen. Have you noticed that gorilla Stu has vey peculiar arms. Not sure exercise alone is responsible for those chunky chappies.

As if Big Brother was feeling this vibe he asked all the housemates to trim their bushes. I don’t think it was related to the task but at one point a boozed up Becs was running round the garden screaming ‘Look I got no bum hair’ Classy! Rebecca is why they built Magaluf. Her topless antics in the garden last week covered in yellow sun lotion just made me think – Custard Tart. The daft bint is really making herself look stupid. The housemates were aghast when she said she thought rapper Jay-Z was in the Backstreet Boys. The NHS must be worse that I thought if they’re employing people like Becs to look after patients.

The ‘blind leading the blind’ task was a cracker too, although that title really could apply to any task on Big Brother. After the task everyone was feeling in awe of Mikey after their own blind experience. In less than 20 minutes they were all bitching about him behind his back again.

The animal task was a hoot, with our very own Mean Girls getting their just desserts. Jen and Becs spent the 2 days in soggy, cold seal suits stinking like an early morning at Billingsgate fish market.

Mario must be getting really horny by now. He keeps winking at Lisa and coming out with juvenile innuendos about her sitting on his microphone. Lisa and her talking breasts are having none of it though and she’s even taken to wearing tights under her shorts as a sort of nylon chastity device.

Mario’s not the only one up to double entendre. During the Zoo task, Luke kept making reference to Mikey's elephant helmet.

We learned this week that Luke doesn’t like going topless because of his unattractive chest. Shame Rebecca doesn’t follow his example. I’m really not liking Luke and his camp shit stirring. He’s like Frank Sidebottom playing Charles Hawtrey in Carry on Dick...head.

After more annoying rule breaks, Becs was sent to jail and broke the mirror in the cell. I’m not surprised it broke having to look at her moon face for a 7 hour stretch. That’s 7 year’s bad luck and I reckon her luck will start to run out on Monday. There’ll be another spare fishy bed by next Friday. You mark my words.

Jen got booed out of the house wearing what she called a prom dress. Looked more like Julie Andrews had run it up using her Nan’s curtains. Talk about chucking out the chintz. Poor Dim Dale. How will he cope without his Geordie ironing board?

With Jen now heading to Heat magazine to talk triangles it was time for Davina to introduce us to the 3 brand spanking new housemates. Sara, the angular Aussie seems nice but then they always do. Antipodeans have a knack of endearing themselves to us naïve Pommes and then, before you know it, we have 12 of the buggers camping out in our lounge.

Next up we got a stunning but sour-faced Syrian. She might produce some morning tent action in the boy’s beds but I wouldn’t put money on her facilitating a Happy House at any time soon. May soon? I bet she has Kat in tears by Tuesday.

Belinda flew in on Boeing bingo wings, wearing a Halloween lantern. A bit madcap mum but then I thought Carole was like that last year on first impressions. How wrong can you be!

The 3 girls have caused quite a stir in the house. The only person who appeared unmoved by events was Dale. He was just stood around with that gormless mug on him as the girls settled in.

I am so hooked again this year.