Happy Holidays & Homophobia!

Well it's over for another year and I've survived again albeit with bowel movements swaying dramatically from pebble-dashing to prehistoric rock formations!

I managed to get away with only 2 Christmas parties this year and both were a cracking good time. Cracking being the operative word as I managed to recreate the ending of Torville & Dean's Bolero on an icy Broad Street in my new pointy, party shoes........TWICE! Well the queue outside Walkabout demanded an encore so I had to oblige, didn't I.

Christmas shopping was stress-free this year. Did it all online in November. How bloody cool am I eh? Well I was really cool until my father rang me last Friday to inform me that he'd forgotten to tell me that the hamper I ordered for him had been sent back to Harrods due to the fact that he'd forgotten it was being delivered and had gone out for the day with his new lady 'friend'. Don't get me started on that bombshell!! I mean he's 80 with arthritis and prostrate trouble FFS!

Anyway said Lothario forgot to tell me that this happened a week or so before, so I'm left making frantic calls to Harrods at 5.27pm on the Friday before Christmas to try and find out where the bloody hamper is. The local Post Office don't have it and it's not found it's way back to Harrods either so it's probably landed up as a special Christmas gift to some lucky Mother in Dundee whose son works for Parcel Force.

Between me and a Harrods Customer Service Manager, who sounded like Zippy from Rainbow, we managed to agree on a hamper re-send and I told the old letch that he had to stay at home for a couple of days and wait for the delivery. I'm sure he could find something to keep him occupied on GalaBingoBabes.co.uk if he got desperate.

Christmas day was a rather bizarre experience. Me and my ex spending it with my ex's boyfriend and his ex. It wasn't as bad as I'd thought and in fact it was quite good fun. Well anything is fun after 3 half pints of mulled wine I guess. It was all going rather well and in fact I found the ex's boyfriend's ex to be extremely attractive and was enjoying the day more and more. However the thought of someone else I like right now made me hold back and not get too flirty. That and the fact that even thinking of the complications of me with ex's boyfriend's ex................ Oh jeez it just doesn't bear thinking about! That would be a 4 star Blog in the making or a dead cert for a reality TV shown on Living TV between Queer Eye and Extreme Makeover UK. Is it just me or are the UK women on there not really that different at the end? They all still look a bit Chav but with nice hair and a decent dress.

Whilst I'm on this rather gay topic. I was having a browse online and for some reason landed up on the Channel 4 News Form. Bloody hell Boxing Day is an anti-climax LOL

Found the usual gay debate on there. These threads are common on the News Forum and it amuses me how some people will post anti-gay statements in the guise of a 'debate'.

I also find it it hilarious that straight males claim to fear homosexuals like they are some sort of aggressive heavy mob waiting to pounce on fragile little straight men and force them into some gay sex act. What is it they fear I wonder?

It surely can't be the act of budgery as that is popular between consenting straight couples(mainly for male gratification). It is also common in all male schools/prisons and even used as a form of attack & dominance on other males.

It leads me to assume that this terrible fear must be due to the fact that, what they will quite happily do to a woman or indeed another man, might be done to them by some big gay brute of a man. OK maybe I can understand that the role reversal may not be appealing but I wonder where these men think these fearful attacks might take place?

Trapped behind the lockers in Holmes Place gym and tied up with some iPod Shuffle headphones?

Bashed over the head with a bag of Mange Tout and dragged into Tesco's toilets......more room in the wheelchair cubicle!

Heaven forbid they should sit next to a gay on a bus/train. That would be just asking for trouble! Look out for tell tale signs guys.....HEAT magazine and Diesel trainers....before you sit down.

OK I'm being flippant now but I really would like to know why someone would be scared of me and think that I'm on the prowl every day for a weak straight guy to dominate for sexual pleasure???? Hmmmm. I'm turning myself on now.

Most of my male friends are straight and I don't see them trembling with fear in my company. Backing off at the overpowering smell of my D&G cologne maybe.......but never scared of the contents of my pants.

I do combat sports as a hobby and work out with a lot of tough blokes who don't bat an eyelid about my sexuality. It's just not an issue for them.

Oh look I've gone off track again haven't I. Back to Christmas.

It wasn't so bad after all and in fact I received something nice on my new phone that made me smile during the present unwrapping. I did get lots of lovely pressies but then there were the usual presents that required Academy Award standard acting during the ceremony.

I mean what was I supposed to say at the sight of a remote controlled Dalek and a Croydon Advertiser mug............................

Follow that script................

OK back to my silly life.

I got a call from a Conservatory Company the other day.

I said 'Sorry I'm not interested'

The bloke said 'Why not?'

I said 'I'm just not interested. OK'

He said 'But why not?'

I said 'I don't have to give you a reason!!!!!!'

He said 'Yes you do cos I have to put something in this field on the form'

I said 'Put that I live on the 12th floor of a block of flats'

He said 'Do you?'

Return of the Train................

Haven't blogged for flippin ages due to wasting my Summer watching Big Brother and being generally busy at work and at home. I've been travelling around a fair bit recently and thought I should share my recent transport calamity.

The day started badly when I cracked my forehead on the door to the airing cupboard and that left a hideous bump and a flap of skin that was a bit too big to rip off without adding to the unsightly wound.

Showered and shaved and whilst having some toast and coffee I had a strange feeling of being alone. Where was the dog? She's always sniffing around for any crumb-drops when I'm having toast. Went round the house and looked in her 4 beds - yes you read right! I have to search for her cos she's as deaf as a post now so no point calling for her. OK she's not indoors. Went outside and no sign of her on the patio! Now I'm getting worried. She's arthritic so she couldn't have got up the big steps to the main garden.........could she?

Having searched indoors again I decided to chance looking round the upper garden. Yes you've guessed. There she is wandering around and having a rare old time sniffing about.

I sneaked up on her and grabbed her gently from behind. She got a bit of a fright. However I got an even bigger fright when the smell hit me! She was covered in fox shit and now so was I!!!! Grrrrrrrrr..........

Back to the bathroom for both of us. Dog washed and me re-washed and I'm ready for the off.

Things were going well now. I caught an early train from Croydon to Watford Junction. Felt chuffed cos that meant I could avoid Central London. At Watford Junction there was an earlier train I could catch to Crewe and change there for Liverpool. That looked sound and I should get a connection and arrive earlier.

10 minutes out of the station the Inspector comes down. He was one of those people that you couldn't age. He could have been anywhere from early twenties to mid forties and he had what looked like 2 blobs of mayonaise on his shirt. I tell him I know I have to change at Crewe. He agreed but added that my ticket wasn't valid on this train!

I was really confused because I always buy Standard Savers and you can usually use them on any train. However not trains from Euston between 4-6pm on weekdays. A fact I wasn't aware of. He could clearly see that I wasn't trying it on but insisted that I buy another ticket as he had announced at Euston that these tickets weren't valid. The fact that I couldn't have heard the announcement as I got on at Watford made no difference and he took a very jobsworth and condescending stance. What is it with me and ticket inspectors? So I forked out another £70 whilst mumbling under my breath and making a note of his name for future Mr Angry email to Virgin.

I was livid and stomped down the aisle to the loo for a wee. In my stroppy haste I caught my new Timberland three quarter trousers on an arm rest and ripped the pocket on the leg almost completely off. This caused 2 foreign kids and their fat sweating Mother to laugh hysterically. I would have laughed myself but the inspector was still in the carriage and I couldn't drop my stern scowl.

When I got back to my seat with my pocket flapping around, a blonde chavette had appeared from nowhere and was sat on the table diagonally opposite. She was having a fight with her boyfriend on her mobile phone. It was all 'at the end of the day' 'no listen, right' very loud and lots of handwaving. She kept losing signal and screaming 'call me back, call me back' and he did so we had to hear her bloody stupid ringtone over and over again. This went on all the way to Crewe. Even my MP3 player couldn't drown her out.

At least she was gone and I went to check the time of the next train to Liverpool. 40 minutes and it's the train I should have got on back at Watford Junction so after all that I won't arrive any earlier.

Argument with a jobsworth in a stained red shirt, £70 lighter, trousers destroyed and a thumping headache. Just to add to my joy I pulled a muscle in my leg lifting my case up the stairs when I was changing platfrom at Crewe and now I'm walking like I have a swollen testicle.

Return of the train........my arse!

Scream 4

It's funny how things spiral out of proportion. Well it's not that funny. In fact why did I say that? It's like when my Mum used to always say 'Best foot forward' when something went wrong or there was bad news. She even said it when they brought me home from hospital after my knee operations.

Well I digress, as usual. On Wednesday I managed to convince myself that there was a prowler in the garden and the back door was open. I'd just finished trying on everything in my wardrobe for a night on the town and my room looked like someone had bombed Abercrombie & Fitch. I heard a noise in the garden that sounded like someone had jumped over the fence onto the patio.

I froze by the bedroom door and for some strange reason decided the best course of action was to turn the light off and hide in the dark! I stood in my bedroom in pitch black for about half an hour trying to listen for movement in the house and sneaking looks through the blinds. The dog was in the hall but she's deaf and blind and probably wouldn't notice a gang of masked murderers with meat cleavers running through the house.....unless of course they had dog treats with them.

I crept around my room looking for a weapon. Finally got up the courage to venture out with a wooden coat hanger. Bet that would have scared the shit out of a burglar.

Moved down the hall into the kitchen like some teenage frat girl in Halloween 27 and reached the back door. Slammed it shut! Locked it! Phew! I wasn't the next to get bumped off........or was I!!!!

No sooner had I locked the door when I realised 'HE MIGHT BE IN THE HOUSE!!!!!!!' and broke out in a cold sweat and stubbed my toe on the Brabantia.

Just then I heard the noise again! Looked out the window and saw it was the shed door being caught by the wind.

What a Big Jessie!!!!! Mum used to say that too when I had her remove spiders from my room :-)