Tram Trauma

Right it's nearly Halloween and have I had a gutfull of ghouls already. Channel 4 forums aside ;-) things had been pretty harmonious at home. Had over 2 weeks off work and although all my excursion plans and trips had to be cancelled due to building work in my kitchen the end result was worth it. Lovely kitchen and a pretty chilled Steps!

I hardly recognize my kitchen now and find myself gliding around in there with a Dettox surface wipe far too often than is healthy for a 6'3 bloke with a No1 crop and tattoos.

Only a few bits need doing now. Housemate has volunteered to do the tiling. Very nice of him and I am appreciative but he's one of these DIY Dangers that starts things but never finishes so I'm cautiously delighted.

He bought a huge shed/garden workshop kit to put up the end of the garden. Had it delivered, started to level off the ground where he was going to build it. 2 years later the level ground is a cat litter for the local felines and when I look out my bedroom window all I can see is 2 tons of pine rotting under a bright green tarpaulin.

Anyway he made a start and the tiles were looking magnificent. Perfect match. Very butch if I say so myself. You may remember that I'm getting quite blaze about going to the DIY sheds after recent expeditions. So when housemate says he needs some tile edging I leap to the rescue and tell him I'll nip over to Tile Base and get some. I could see the slightly unsure look crossing his face and after much silent shuffling he agreed that I couldn't do much harm with such a task.

Feeling dead chuffed and almost like a pseudo-builder's mate I pop down the road and catch a tram to the Tile Base Superstore just in time for school's out! Tram was packed with kids in baseball caps, polyester and arses hanging round their knees. There's a lot to be said for school uniforms.

Gets to Tile Base at last after suffering the stench of a sweaty kid who looked like he'd come straight off the basketball court after a marathon match and was stuffing his face with 2 Big Macs. Not a smell I care to encounter again. Must be on the look out for the McD/Acrylic combo in future.

The place has what I need. 2 lengths of tile edging in black. Perfect! Leave the shop looking even more pleased with myself and head for home. Whilst waiting for the tram I suddenly noticed that the other people waiting were giving me strange looks. I pretended not to noticed and shuffled around looking at my mobile phone for no reason and reading the barcode on the tile edge strip. Some people are so rude I thought. 2 minutes before the tram arrives.

It's at this point I suddenly look up to the end of the 8 foot long pieces of tile edging. Yes. I said 8 foot. OH SHIT!

As the tram approaches I can see my fellow waiters whispering to each other and a pushchair Mum with greasy hair and equally greasy child rolls her eyes at me and inspects her false nails. I return her eye rolls and throw in a screwed up nose into the bargain.

The tram's here. Doors open. It's quite busy. SHIT! I lower the edging strips and edge in the door almost knocking the cap off an old bloke who's dancing around in the gangway trying to get out the way. I try and pull up and the strips smack against the ceiling making a noise like the electricity lines have snapped. 2 old dears obviously headed for bingo let out a shriek and before they have time to wallop me with their bag of bingo markers an Inspector appears. 'You can't bring that on here mate' he says. I look indignant and desperately trying to maintain my cool blurt out ' Well how do you expect me to get get this home!'

I could have crawled into the old blokes cap. Why did I say that? The whole place was now a mix of sniggers and tutting and my face was beetroot.

I got off the tram pretending to be furious at the way I had been treated. Probably looked a bit like Diana Ross after being frisked at Heathrow. Stormed back to the shop who very kindly gave me a refund whilst I ranted on about public transport and pensioners traveling during peak hours. By the time I got home I was quite calm again and told housemate what had happened.

He looked at me in disbelief and said 'Why didn't you just get the shop to cut it in half'.............

Calamity Cuisine

Well the big weekend is here. My kitchen is being installed and I'm surrounded by enough cardboard boxes to house the Croydon homeless and there is so much dust around that it looks like the day after a nuclear holocaust. I've been sneezing so much that my nose has bled twice and my eyes look like Marty Feldman with a hangover.

Things started well yesterday morning although it was a struggle for me to get up in time for the builders 8am start. There's builder Dave with the nice legs and a chain-smoking, chubby youth with cropped hair with tram lines. Chubby youth has the job of building the cabinets and drawers whilst Dave does the more complex stuff. He has a really loud and annoying hacking cough and for some reason the dog growls every time he does it. That lad needs to cut down on the weed and suck a couple of fisherman's Friends. I was only on 5 Embassy Regal a day when I was his age. He got through a whole pack of Superking Black yesterday.

Everything was going smoothly until lunchtime when Dave asks me where some joining thing is? Apparently there should be some metal thing that covers the join in the 2 bits of work surface. I'm clueless about all this stuff but we checked through the inventory and.........bugger.........I haven't got one. Housemate sends me out to Homebase to get the missing bit. Me on my own in a DIY shed is a bit like the Pope at a Jewish wedding. Up and down the aisles I go trying to look butch and like I know what I'm looking for. In the end I give up and ask this lad who looks like the lead singer of Good Charlotte where the elusive 'thing' can be found. I'd only walked past them 3 times. None of them look right but hey......what do I know. Just to be safe I buy 3 different types. One is bound to be good.

WRONG! Dave says 'they're crap' and I'm dispatched again, to B&Q this time. Have the same problem there finding the 'thing' and once again it's located in a place you would never dream of looking. Miles from the rest of the kitchen stuff. This time there are bits that look more right but I'm not confident after the last failure so try phoning home. Try both home numbers, both of housemates mobile phones (don't ask) and Dave the builder. No one answering. Tried neighbour but she's engaged. 20 minutes later and still no contact can be made. Why the hell do people have mobile phones and keep them turned off. I decide to be brave and buy what I think is the correct one but have to get 2 cos I'm not sure which is the correct colour match. Tram home and Dave says I got the correct 'thing' this time. Feeling dead chuffed. Me getting it right at all is a bit of a miracle.

Things back on track but can't get the sink working cos the connector not right. Rather than trust me to another shed trek, Dave says he'll go to B&Q on Sunday. They finish for the day and chubby youth coughs his guts up on the way out.

Can't cook so we had McDonalds for lunch and had a couple of large Chicken Shish kebabs and twister fries for dinner. Was belching and farting all night. Even a Green Tea and White Lilly candle couldn't disguise the smell in the lounge.

Woke up early again stinking of garlic sauce and the boys start work on day 2 of the transformation.

I'm not a morning person as you know and was therefore sent into a blind panic when Dave tells me that there are 3 more 'bits' missing. No left hand fixings for 2 drawers and the wrong drawer box. I'm gutted but start to think that he's lying to me. How come the same 'bit' would be missing from 2 different kits? I'm thinking he's cocked up and buried the evidence after realising his mistake. I wander around looking a bit paranoid and searching for the 'missing' 'bits'. Anyway I pretend to believe him and we wait for MFI to open. I give them a call and the sales guy is bemused and sounds like he thinks I'm some sort of nincompoop. Which I probably do sound like as I'm trying to relay what Dave is saying whilst trying not to sound like I don't believe a word he's saying. Anyway nice salesman finally realises where we've gone wrong and points us in the right direction. The 'bits' are found. They just don't look like the 'bits' Dave was looking for. I point out that if he'd looked at the instructions he would have seen the 'bits' and what they looked like. I'm getting cocky now and chubby's cough is getting worse. The dog's ignoring it now but it's starting to really piss me off.

Dave's just asked me if he can borrow my iron? WTF. Has he brought his laundry to test drive the kitchen?????

Masterbating Mayhem

I've been having a few problems with my back recently. Probably down to the fact that I'm slouching at my PC all day at work and then most of the evening too - posting on forums, downloading music or looking at naughty pictures.

It was getting so bad that getting out of bed in the morning I had to follow a strict pattern or else I'd be stuck in a half shut position for most of the morning. Without lifting my head off the pillows I had to ease myself round to the left until my legs were hanging off the bed. Not dangling mind - had to keep them stretched out. Once I'd got to the optimum 90 degree position I had to grab the headboard, count to 10 and then propel myself erect into the middle of the room keeping legs and back straight.

Was OK most mornings but could be particularly gruesome if suffering from a hangover as hand-eye coordination not at it's best. The other weekend I'd had a heavy session and tried the manoever Sunday morning. Didn't see the floor fan next to my bed and landed head first in the CD rack.

OK enough was enough. I had to do something drastic. My old PC chair was comfy but it was not making me sit right. I lolled around in it and could feel a strain at the base of my spine after a long day.

One of my mates recommended this company that specialise in posture chairs so off I went, surfing their web site and found the answer to my prayers. It's a bit like those chairs that you kneel on which force you to sit with good posture. The only difference being this is an updated model that rocks back and forward so if you are moving around to answer phones, write etc - your centre of gravity always keeps your posture correct. OMG I was so excited.

It arrived at the beginning of the week by a lovely looking guy in a baseball cap and sky blue eyes. Why is it that most delivery men are really cute - except the ones who work for our Royal Mail. My postman looks like Bernard Matthews and wore shorts all Summer. Not a pleasant sight at 8am of a morning.

So after a quick assembly job I was straight into my room for a test sit. Wow it was really comfortable and I could feel how it was making me sit right. If I moved to pick up a cup or answer my phone it rocked forward and kept my posture right. This was the beez kneez! In a quiet moment or when I was on phone calls I could rock gently back and forward and it was very soothing and relaxing.

So far so good.

Right I'm sure that I am not the only bloke in the country to keep a collection of nice pictures on his PC for those moments when some tension needs to be relieved. Well I have these moments fairly frequently and was about to christen the rocking marvel.

This is when I started to realise I had a problem. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get myself into a suitable comfortable position to do the deed. Everytime I thought I was right and moved my arm or touched the mouse to view a picture I was rocking backwards and forwards. Now you would think that backwards and forwards would seem like an ideal motion to get you going but for some reason this feels so unsafe and unsexy that no matter how hard I tried to keep the chair still I was wobbling around and this had a very dampening affect on the below the waist action.

Shit! - a £200 chair that has an anti-wank feature!

Not one to give up I thought I'd move the chair around. Tried it backwards, sideways with my legs balanced on a drawer, pressed up against the raidiator so it wouldn't rock. Nothing workd and each postion was getting more uncomfortable than the last. I was breaking out in a sweat by now and getting more tense by the minute cos i could see the pics on my monitor.

AHA! I'm a genius! Rocker against skirting board, legs stretched out and resting on my scanner. Was a bit precarious but it was working at last. I'd be able to enjoy myself again without having to have 2 chairs in my room.

Just as I was getting even more happy my housemate knocks on the door and my house of cards wank arrangement collapses and I land up in a heap on the floor twisting my back and pulling my uplighter down on top of me in the process.

I'm shouting 'Just a minute' to my housemate whilst trying to get into my shorts semi erect. I'm semi erect in both senses of the word. My back is well and truly put out and my willy is not best please either.

I got to the door, wincing at the seering pain shooting up and down my leg and back. He's not there! I call him and ask what he wanted. 'Oh it's OK I found them' he says. 'Found what?' I say. 'My keys' he says........................................

Unstable Cable Fable

Woke up today in the right place. Not as strange as it might sound. I have been prone to falling asleep on the sofa recently and waking up with a crooked neck more trashed specs. So actually sleeping in my bed was a bit of a novelty.

So that was a good start and not even the dollop of dog sick in the hall was gonna dampen my mood.

Things started to go a bit skew-wiff around 11 when I was getting concerned that the Cable Guy hadn't appeared yet. I was having a box swap today and the 8-12 slot was getting narrower by the minute. I waited 20 more minutes and decided to check that he was on his way. I was dying for a poo and a shower and knew full well that the moment I sat on the bog and dropped one the doorbell would ring. A very nice lady called Helen told me that the system said my appointment was 1-6pm!!!!!!! I checked my email and it deffo said 8-12 but remained calm - nothing was gonna spoil my good mood.

Meetings and phone calls next and before you know it -it's 1.15 and I've de-poo'd but still not showered. Best wait for the Cable Guy I thought.

Around 3 he turns up. Cheerful looking guy with his pants hanging round his thighs and some grey Next undies on full display. He asks me 'What you having done mate?' Now call me old fashioned but I was kinda expecting that he would KNOW what he was here for. I explained that I was expecting to have one of the new model Digital Boxes installed. He says 'I thought that's what you were gonna say'. Scratched his head and said 'That's a problem then cos I don't have any'????????????

I'm still calm.

He says he'll get his boss to get him the box and he'll be back shortly. In the meantime he would go off and do another job. Gave me his mobile number - nice touch - maybe he fancied me I thought later.

17.55 - and still no sign and I'm minging. It's really hot and humid here and I'm definitely not cool any more. No answer from his mobile and can't get through to Service Centre.

Stuff it I thought and decided he weren't coming and made and ate dinner. called my mate and said would be round to watch BB and have a few drinks.

19.01 - doorbell goes. It's him. Full of apologies. In he swaggers and swaps the boxes. Everything going fine and he's chatting away about Big Brother and X-Box. Box doesn't work. Fiddles for an hour and still no joy. Told him I had to go out so he put my old box back and told me his Supervisor would be around in a couple of minutes to pick up the box. Off he goes pulling up his pants.

I get's back inside and find that I've lost ALL my channels - starting to hyperventilate now.

Supervisor arrives and fiddles for another half hour - HOORAY he's got nice new box working.

Before he left I looked in my bedroom and guess what - no signal on my 2nd box now!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was unconsciously muttering F words now. 20 minutes of him on the phone looking flushed as I stomped about and he finally manages to get it working.

He slopes of saying how sorry he is for all the inconvenience and I'm just grunting and directing him to the door.

I slam the front door, storm into the lounge with steam coming out my ears and stand on the dog!