Bedroom Bunjy Jumping

Today has been another one of those days when I wish I'd just stayed in bed and not allowed myself to get tangled in life's evil web.

This morning, around 7am, I was drifting off to sleep again after pressing the Snooze button for the third time when my mobile rang. I got such a fright that I let out a girly yelp and pulled the duvet over my head. Why on earth did I think that the theme from Psycho was a good idea for a ringtone?

By the time I'd composed myself and adjusted my eyes to the dim light in the bedroom the caller had rung off. I assumed it was a wrong number and snuggled back under the covers only to hear the main house phone ringing within seconds. I let it ring and waited to see if the person would leave a message. Just as the bloke started talking I remembered my new shed was being delivered today!

I stumbled through to the lounge only to hear this Argos oik telling me to get out of my bed! To be fair, he did have a point. I was still half asleep so wasn't really sharp enough to have a go at his interesting customer skills when I finally picked up the phone.

It was good to get that delivery out of the way early. I just hadn't expected it to be so early. Usually if I book a morning slot the doorbell rings at 11.59.

My Sainsburys shopping delivery arrived promptly too. Just after Loose Women and before a spiky phone call with a project manager who looks like Herman Munster and smells of Ritz crackers.

This evening I'd arranged to go to IKEA to get a new blind for my bedroom. I'd managed to break the mechanism for opening and closing the blinds during a Jacobs Creek tasting session. What little co-ordination and dexterity I possess vanishes completely after 2 glasses of Shiraz.

In preparation for the IKEA trip I drank 2 cups of camomile tea and popped a propanolol but I was still feeling flushed and anxious. The car trip was only 5 minutes but as the blue and yellow towers drew closer I had a twinges in my right arm and my ankles turned crimson and swelled up. Not a good look when you're wearing 3/4 length shorts.

I did some breathing exercises on the escalator and by the time we got to rugs I was feeling pretty chilled. We reached blinds and spent 20 minutes arguing about colours and drops. In the end we decided on the 120 x 155 in pale wood. I say wood but I swear it felt more like Wrigleys Spearmint chewing gum strips.

Half an hour later we find the tills and the exit and depart Swedish purgatory without purchasing anything that we didn't come for. Never EVER pick up the yellow bags in IKEA. If you do you're sure to arrive home with a useless fish slice, rubber ice cube tray and some apple & blackberry tea lights.

Got home and decided I'd have a go at putting up the blinds myself despite my famous lack of skills in the DIY department. The old blind came down really fast but I managed to break the fittings in the process. I'm not good up a ladder but I was being dead focused. Too focused really as the fittings snapped off.

No worries, I thought. I'll just unscrew the old fittings and put up the new ones. Unscrewing was a piece of piss. One by one the screws came out and fell on the floor as I teetered on the step ladders. Why is it that step ladders make such scary creaking noises the higher you go up?

Replacing the fittings shouldn't have been a problem but when I started I realised that the screw holes were in a different place. I'm sweating now and the step ladders are moving freely around my laminate flooring. I'm determined to do this and get the right side fitting fixed after a medium struggle.

The left hand side proves more difficult as I can't get a good twist on the screwdriver due to a wall cabinet being in the way. After dropping the screw 5 times I'm getting stressed again but despite the wet arm pits and neckline I persevered and decided I needed to apply more pressure on the screwdriver.

The screw fell out another 6 times and I'm getting angry and more heated. My head is throbbing and after counting to 10 I decide to have 1 last lunge at the screw. The shift of weight pushes the step ladders back and throws me forward......through the open window and I do a stuntman dive onto the patio, destroying a group of Jasmine clippings in small pots.

I think I've done something bad to my shoulder and my left ankle is feeling sore. I feel a bit shaken to be honest but I haven't got time to worry about my injuries because I now realise my trauma has been in vain because HM just told me that the window is more than 155cm deep so the blind is too fucking short!

I'm washing down more propanolol with Jacobs Creek so even Jodie Marsh couldn't wind me up now. I wonder if I need an X Ray? It hurts when I do this..............