Well it's happened. Bloody hell it happened! First time in ages and I had one of those lust moments that kinda takes over your body and having a shag is the only thing on your mind.
Trouble is mine happened when I was midway through delivering a presentation at work!
I could tell this wasn't going to be an ordinary business trip when the youth driving my cab decided to do a James Bond wheelie round a bus outside the Council offices.
I was too busy fumbling on the floor for my new Sony Ericsson mobile to notice that we were now in the wrong lane and hurtling towards the Croydon underpass. I never put my seat belt on in a cab so I'm now lying across the back seat with one foot sticking through the front seat head rest.
I dropped the phone again as he swerved across the lanes and cut up a BT van with seconds to spare before we dipped into the tunnel. My teenage chauffeur grinned at BT man, waved and completely ignored the quivering pile of arms and legs on his back seat.
I managed to recover my composure by lots of deep breathing on the Thameslink train en-route to Paddington. I was listening to the Ian Lee show podcast and trying to stifle my giggling on the packed train until one of my favourite callers made me laugh out loud and my chewing gum popped out and landed on the laptop of the bloke sitting next to me. He didn't notice so I shuffled across to the doors so I wouldn't be a suspect when he spotted it.
Made it to Paddington and dragged my trolley over to the ticket machines. There was 2 machines being used and a fat, bearded American with an Ohio baseball hat on standing behind machine 1. I queued behind machine 2 and when it was free I moved forward. Finger poised to touch screen. The Yank steps forward and says 'I'm next'.
I give him one of my best glares and point out that he was queuing for machine 1 but as the fracas escalates he is shouting loudly about how there was only a single queue for both ATMs. ATMs my arse. We now have an audience as I find my Scottish roots and begin 'F'ing and blinding like a drunken Glaswegian who's just dropped his kebab.
Yank backs down when machine 1 becomes free and we both stand there pressing the screens violently and mumbling under our breaths until we get our tickets.
The train to Swansea was absolutely packed but I managed to get a seat OK. The comedian Dom Joly (sp)was sat across from me. He was much smaller in real life. I always thought he was a tall bloke. Anyway the reason I mention him is because there was loads of mobiles going off and every time a person answered a call they'd say 'I'm on the train' in a very loud voice. It was surreal and when I caught his eye as we approached Reading we exchanged smirks.
When we arrived in Cardiff the train was fairly empty. This cute little girl who was a dead ringer for Kelly Osbourne got on. She had bleached blonde hair spiking out from under a brown hat. The strange thing was that when she took the hat off the top of her hair was brown so it looked like she was still wearing it!
Had a pretty uneventful time getting to my hotel and after a curry with my Welsh colleagues and a couple of glasses of Merlot it was off to bed after the usual 10 minute wrestle with the remote control to find the sleep function. Made even more difficult by the fact that all the lettering had been rubbed off by thousands of fingers searching for the porn channels.
The next morning we were off to the Call Centre and I was being honoured with a personal tour by a small dumpy supervisor with sideburns called Eva. She was very sweet and introduced me all the Team Leaders as we maneuvered our way around the banks of desks and PCs. The place was massive and everyone was really cheerful which is unusual in that line of work.
After a cup of decaffeinated dish water from the vending machine I was ushered upstairs to meet the people who were attending my presentation. I knew most of them from conference calls and email chains and wasn't particularly looking forward to meeting one of them because we'd had a couple of run-ins on the phone due to his brusque manner and condescending tone.
You can imagine the state of my jaw as I was introduced to this gorgeous hunk of Welsh rarebit. He was smiling from ear to ear and what a bloody sexy grin it was too. He had scruffy black hair, dark eyes and just the right about of stubble to tickle your thighs. He was a bit unkempt but it was done in such a cool way that I was struggling to stop myself dribbling. As we shook hands and a bolt of electricity shot up my arm. It might have been the static from the worn grey carpet but to me it was a sign that we were having a celestial bonding.
I really struggled to take my eyes off him the whole day. I was blatantly flirting across the table and had a permanent semi for most of the meeting. I was so horny that when it came to my bit I had to hold a couple of pages of A4 across my flies as I did my presentation.
He was obviously flirting with me too and was more than happy to help me get logged in at lunchtime to check my emails. I was acting like a teenager but loving every minute of it.
We were brought back down to earth with a bump after lunch when we returned to the meeting room. In the corner by the flip chart was a huge human poo that was shaped like a comma. The smell was terrible and it kinda brought and end to the sexual frisson. Nobody else looked particularly perturbed by this faecal feature. Apparently it's quite a common occurrence in the call centre. Maybe it's an old Welsh custom or welcome greeting.
After the exit of the excretia we carried on with the windows opened and I lusted after Boyo for the rest of the afternoon. Isn't it funny how you can make an opinion about someone over the phone and yet when you meet them face to face they are not at all what you expected.
He offered to give me a lift to the station. I was almost cumming in my pants with excitement.
As we drove out of the car park he asked me if I would mind if we picked up his missus on the way to station.
I was crestfallen *sigh*
All the travel, late nights and sexual tension finally caught up with me as we pulled out of the train station. Jeez I was knackered. I thanked the Lord the train was quiet and not busy.
Next stop we were invaded by a Welsh Stag party. I tried to block out the noise with my headphones but they were so loud I couldn't make out what song was playing on my mp3 player. They were all laughing for no apparent reason and kept oggling the females in the carriage with such sexual intent that it was making me really uncomfortable. Is that what I looked like today in the meeting room?!?!
Luckily they all staggered off at Cardiff and for 1 stop I had the table to myself.
I knew things couldn't last and sure enough at Newport this freaky looking family got on and the youngest kid posted itself opposite me and just stared. It was like the kid from The Omen in le Coq Sportif.
He got bored of the staring and produced a Batman action figure and proceeded to fly the figure above the table and decided that I'm The Joker and must be destroyed. The second time that Batman glanced the tip of my nose I snapped and rounded on the parents. Damien starts to cry and I get looks of disdain from the rest of the carriage all the way to Paddington.
I was queuing up for a Travelcard when my phone went. It was a text. It was text from Boyo. It was text thanking me for coming down and saying how much he enjoyed meeting me!
I had a stiffy on the Circle Line until Sloane Square....
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