Masterbating Mayhem

I've been having a few problems with my back recently. Probably down to the fact that I'm slouching at my PC all day at work and then most of the evening too - posting on forums, downloading music or looking at naughty pictures.

It was getting so bad that getting out of bed in the morning I had to follow a strict pattern or else I'd be stuck in a half shut position for most of the morning. Without lifting my head off the pillows I had to ease myself round to the left until my legs were hanging off the bed. Not dangling mind - had to keep them stretched out. Once I'd got to the optimum 90 degree position I had to grab the headboard, count to 10 and then propel myself erect into the middle of the room keeping legs and back straight.

Was OK most mornings but could be particularly gruesome if suffering from a hangover as hand-eye coordination not at it's best. The other weekend I'd had a heavy session and tried the manoever Sunday morning. Didn't see the floor fan next to my bed and landed head first in the CD rack.

OK enough was enough. I had to do something drastic. My old PC chair was comfy but it was not making me sit right. I lolled around in it and could feel a strain at the base of my spine after a long day.

One of my mates recommended this company that specialise in posture chairs so off I went, surfing their web site and found the answer to my prayers. It's a bit like those chairs that you kneel on which force you to sit with good posture. The only difference being this is an updated model that rocks back and forward so if you are moving around to answer phones, write etc - your centre of gravity always keeps your posture correct. OMG I was so excited.

It arrived at the beginning of the week by a lovely looking guy in a baseball cap and sky blue eyes. Why is it that most delivery men are really cute - except the ones who work for our Royal Mail. My postman looks like Bernard Matthews and wore shorts all Summer. Not a pleasant sight at 8am of a morning.

So after a quick assembly job I was straight into my room for a test sit. Wow it was really comfortable and I could feel how it was making me sit right. If I moved to pick up a cup or answer my phone it rocked forward and kept my posture right. This was the beez kneez! In a quiet moment or when I was on phone calls I could rock gently back and forward and it was very soothing and relaxing.

So far so good.

Right I'm sure that I am not the only bloke in the country to keep a collection of nice pictures on his PC for those moments when some tension needs to be relieved. Well I have these moments fairly frequently and was about to christen the rocking marvel.

This is when I started to realise I had a problem. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get myself into a suitable comfortable position to do the deed. Everytime I thought I was right and moved my arm or touched the mouse to view a picture I was rocking backwards and forwards. Now you would think that backwards and forwards would seem like an ideal motion to get you going but for some reason this feels so unsafe and unsexy that no matter how hard I tried to keep the chair still I was wobbling around and this had a very dampening affect on the below the waist action.

Shit! - a £200 chair that has an anti-wank feature!

Not one to give up I thought I'd move the chair around. Tried it backwards, sideways with my legs balanced on a drawer, pressed up against the raidiator so it wouldn't rock. Nothing workd and each postion was getting more uncomfortable than the last. I was breaking out in a sweat by now and getting more tense by the minute cos i could see the pics on my monitor.

AHA! I'm a genius! Rocker against skirting board, legs stretched out and resting on my scanner. Was a bit precarious but it was working at last. I'd be able to enjoy myself again without having to have 2 chairs in my room.

Just as I was getting even more happy my housemate knocks on the door and my house of cards wank arrangement collapses and I land up in a heap on the floor twisting my back and pulling my uplighter down on top of me in the process.

I'm shouting 'Just a minute' to my housemate whilst trying to get into my shorts semi erect. I'm semi erect in both senses of the word. My back is well and truly put out and my willy is not best please either.

I got to the door, wincing at the seering pain shooting up and down my leg and back. He's not there! I call him and ask what he wanted. 'Oh it's OK I found them' he says. 'Found what?' I say. 'My keys' he says........................................

Unstable Cable Fable

Woke up today in the right place. Not as strange as it might sound. I have been prone to falling asleep on the sofa recently and waking up with a crooked neck more trashed specs. So actually sleeping in my bed was a bit of a novelty.

So that was a good start and not even the dollop of dog sick in the hall was gonna dampen my mood.

Things started to go a bit skew-wiff around 11 when I was getting concerned that the Cable Guy hadn't appeared yet. I was having a box swap today and the 8-12 slot was getting narrower by the minute. I waited 20 more minutes and decided to check that he was on his way. I was dying for a poo and a shower and knew full well that the moment I sat on the bog and dropped one the doorbell would ring. A very nice lady called Helen told me that the system said my appointment was 1-6pm!!!!!!! I checked my email and it deffo said 8-12 but remained calm - nothing was gonna spoil my good mood.

Meetings and phone calls next and before you know it -it's 1.15 and I've de-poo'd but still not showered. Best wait for the Cable Guy I thought.

Around 3 he turns up. Cheerful looking guy with his pants hanging round his thighs and some grey Next undies on full display. He asks me 'What you having done mate?' Now call me old fashioned but I was kinda expecting that he would KNOW what he was here for. I explained that I was expecting to have one of the new model Digital Boxes installed. He says 'I thought that's what you were gonna say'. Scratched his head and said 'That's a problem then cos I don't have any'????????????

I'm still calm.

He says he'll get his boss to get him the box and he'll be back shortly. In the meantime he would go off and do another job. Gave me his mobile number - nice touch - maybe he fancied me I thought later.

17.55 - and still no sign and I'm minging. It's really hot and humid here and I'm definitely not cool any more. No answer from his mobile and can't get through to Service Centre.

Stuff it I thought and decided he weren't coming and made and ate dinner. called my mate and said would be round to watch BB and have a few drinks.

19.01 - doorbell goes. It's him. Full of apologies. In he swaggers and swaps the boxes. Everything going fine and he's chatting away about Big Brother and X-Box. Box doesn't work. Fiddles for an hour and still no joy. Told him I had to go out so he put my old box back and told me his Supervisor would be around in a couple of minutes to pick up the box. Off he goes pulling up his pants.

I get's back inside and find that I've lost ALL my channels - starting to hyperventilate now.

Supervisor arrives and fiddles for another half hour - HOORAY he's got nice new box working.

Before he left I looked in my bedroom and guess what - no signal on my 2nd box now!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was unconsciously muttering F words now. 20 minutes of him on the phone looking flushed as I stomped about and he finally manages to get it working.

He slopes of saying how sorry he is for all the inconvenience and I'm just grunting and directing him to the door.

I slam the front door, storm into the lounge with steam coming out my ears and stand on the dog!