Return of the Mack

So another Christmas is past and it’s now 2009. I’ve eaten too much and the recycling box is overflowing with empty bottles of Jacob’s Creek. I’ve had 3 weeks off work and should be feeling chilled and revitalised but when I got up this morning it was Shadrach Dingle staring back at me in the bathroom mirror. I decided to set up my new Wii Fit only to be informed by my Nintendo nemesis that I’m overweight and my screen persona suddenly inflated to look like Twiggy from The Royle Family. I was crest-fallen. I gave up after 10 minutes and went outside to have a fag.

Post Christmas telly is always crap. Things got so bad that I suddenly found myself watching Nana Mouskouri, The BB Years on BBC4…………and enjoying it! Thank God for the return of Celebrity Big Brother!

‘Ladies and Gentlemen, the egos have landed’ screamed Davina. I nearly cried with joy but why was she dressed as a big black crow? I know the weather’s been cold but surely wardrobe could have found her something more alluring than a goat skin rug and heavy duty gardening gloves. Pete Burns would be so proud.

She gave us a quick tour round the ‘new’ house first. Apart from a couple of exercise bikes from Argos and 3 old merry go round horses it didn’t look much different. Perhaps Channel 4 is feeling the effects of the credit crunch or maybe they just couldn’t be arsed. Davina did her best to make the minimal changes sound interesting but she was really struggling to win me over with her squeals of excitement over the fact that the beds had thicker mattresses. Is that the best that Dreams could do?

Up first was Michael Jackson in drag. Now I know he’s desperate to make a comeback but I don’t think transvestism is really the best way to win us round. OK so we love Hayley Cropper and quite happy to have our SKY news reports from a voluptuous blonde who used to be called Colin but this is a hair extension too far.

Moody Mutya was up next wearing a sleezy dressing gown and looking like an extra from You Only Live Twice.

Poor little Verne couldn’t get up the staircase so they made him walk round the building to the back door. Not a great idea because his legs are only about 10” long so we had the longest entrance on record. You could feel the tension from the production crew as he finally arrived, out of breath and dizzy, at the Diary Room. The tiny trooper managed to drag his overnight bag into the house like a weary school kid returning home after his first day at school with a bag full of his new reading books and jotters.

Someone who resembles a heavy off Taggart was delivered next to the house. I hate people who refer to themselves as ‘activists’. Usually means they’re attention seeking, wasters who didn’t get enough cuddles from their parents when they were growing up.

Housemate number 5 was someone from Bournemouth who is apparently famous for her boobs. A Tory bird who’s scared of clowns. Now there’s irony for you.

The token cute guy arrived next. The lovely Ben from A1, who has thankfully ditched the hideous hair curtains, got the best reception form the crowd so far. His ideal woman is Dawn French so who does Big Brother chuck in next? Tina Malone. A peroxide Dawn French from Liverpool. Could this be our new Ziggy & Chanelle?

Coolio was next up. Seems like a nice guy but how can you take a 45 year old guy seriously with that hair. On his VT he looked like a giant cockroach. He spent most of the first 24 hours telling people how normal he is and true to his word he let rip with the first massive celebrity fart of 2009.

Jordan’s Geordie bridesmaid was wheeled out next. I have a feeling that Michelle will be a complete waste of space and whine a lot. She’s doing Big Brother to prove to people that she’s not a piss head. Bad plan Michelle. The only reason you still get column space in Heat and Now is so we can all laugh at pictures of you falling out of clubs with no knickers on.

The annoying Northern twat who did The Word (his words) went in next. Claims he’s been in the ‘business’ for 26 years but I have a feeling he’s only worked for 7 of them.

The last housemate to arrive was Queen Ulrika. I know most people can’t stand this Swedish export but I quite like her. I think Tommy likes her too. Maybe this will be baby number 5 with hubby number 5!

Gone With the Wind

This year the X Factor is turning into a parody of itself with contestants progressing through the rounds on the back of their chequered pasts or dead relatives. Last week I was expecting to see VT of Daniel’s cancer stricken wife on the backdrop as he tugged at every emotion to make a syrupy slide into this week’s show.

Rachel, the ex-con, started the show this week and promptly fell off a sparkly moon and forgot her words. She was truly lost in music and wearing what looked like a Quality Street wrapper. She had so much black eye makeup on I think someone must have told her it was a Halloween show. I hope her 8 kids were tucked up in bed and didn’t have to witness this gruesome sight. They’d have nightmares for weeks.

Anxious Austin was up next. He delivered a rather lack lustre version of Wishing on a Star. I had a feeling he’d be wishing he’d chosen a different song by the end of the night. The poor little mite has about as much charisma as a meal worm and it was almost impossible to notice him amongst a sea of tossing hair and see-through nighties.

I was dead worried about Diana tackling Disco but she belted her little heart out and won everyone over despite being surrounded by the clumsiest roller skating I’ve ever seen since Frank Spencer at the Pickets Lock Leisure Centre.

Daniel was as embarrassing as I expected him to be. Grinning through a spare set of Simon Cowell’s teeth he gave us a very awkward rendition of Don’t Leave Me This Way. Was this another subliminal reference to his deceased wife? I was half expecting Heaven Must be Missing and Angel. What will it be next week? She’s Gone, Missing You, Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now?

I can’t decide if I like Laura or not. She gave a very powerful performance. Somebody Else’s guy is a very difficult song to sing. I think it’s the forced, Winehouse twangs that put me her. Or maybe it’s the revelations last week that she’s shagging one of the show’s producers that are not endearing me to her ample charms.

Could it be Magic is a camp classic. Barry Manilow, Donna Summer and Take That have all done iconic versions. Eoghan, the Cabbage Patch kid from Norn Iron, turned it into something that was more Church Hall Amateur Night than High School Musical. Bloody awful.

It was Donna Summer again when Ruth attacked Enough is Enough like a bunny boiler with PMT. Simon looked genuinely scared and turned on in equal measures.

Alexandra and her topless dancers set pulses racing. I bet Louis’ palms were sweating more than the eight pefect pecs as she groped and stroked her way around another Donna Summer stomper. Louis always looks a bit unkempt and smelly to me. I could imagine him in a fluorescent safety jacket checking tickets on the Croydon trams.

I really want to like JLS but this colour co-ordinated thing they have going on is so naff. There is something really un-cool about them. Especially the red one! I see they had their tops off in HEAT this week so no doubt that will save them for another couple of weeks.

Fast forward an hour and I wasn’t entirely surprised that Austin and Rachel were in the bottom two. Rachel shouted her way through No Drama without her shoes. I’m not sure what statement it was supposed to make but it looked like someone was spraying the stage with Fabreeze during her performance.

Austin seemed to crumble under the pressure and the inevitable happened. The tiny, tearful one was gone and everyone looked very upset. Well everyone apart from Simon who just shrugged his shoulders and buggered off to find his limo like a modern day Rhett Butler. Frankly my dears he don’t give a damn!

The Good the Bad and the F'Ugly

And now the end is near and so I face the final curtain. Well I would if Rachel’s Mum hadn’t borrowed the drapes to run up her exit outfit.

The weekend after Lisa’s departure was a bit subdued. I can’t recall anything of note, except the sight of Darnell’s bum cheeks being covered in fake tan. It was good to see a lighter side of Darnell. You just knew it wouldn’t last and within an hour he was fighting with Kat and telling Big Brother how much his life sucks. Sorry if I appear rather unsympathetic but maybe he should try a couple of months in Darfur. Now life there really does suck!

The final week of Big Brother can be a bit of an anti-climax, but thanks to some devious plotting by the producers we had a dramatic Semi on Tuesday when Mo and Kat were thrown out in their bathrobes to a less than sympathetic crowd.

Genuine emotions overtook the remaining finalists as they sobbed and wailed at the loss of Mo Fro and Happy Kat. The trauma lasted all of 5 minutes. After some cheap cider and a couple of roll ups the evictees were forgotten and thoughts turned to Friday night.

Whilst most of them were celebrating surviving to the final, Rex was still brooding over the bright ginger cone head wigs that Big Brother had given the housemates to impersonate him. The small chef just sulked in the bedroom and fiddled with his orange walnut whip. I’m sure he was practicing his winner’s speech.

On Friday, Davina stepped onto the slippery catwalk looking like a Harvey Nichol’s Christmas tree decoration. The weather was hideous and the shiny plastic cover on the runway looked treacherous. I sat there with everything crossed, hoping that Rex would be out first and that he’d go arse over tip in a puddle.

I wasn’t too disappointed when Darnell’s name was called first. He could’ve made a bit of an effort with his outfit though. The blue hoodie looked grubby and what was he thinking about when he chose that strange skirt to meet the crowd. He looked liked Old Mother Riley. Maybe he was hoping to catch the eye of a panto producer. I think they’re doing Mother Goose in Basingstoke this year.

Rex was shocked to hear his name next but put on a brave face. Shame he’d also put on one of Freddie Mercury’s cast-offs to leave the house. In typical Rex style, he told Davina how he owed everything to his Father for making him into such a wonderful person. I nearly choked on a cheese football!

Who’d have guessed that Sara and her grating voice would be third? I liked her and she seemed genuinely surprised. Now she’s got £25k, maybe she can afford to get some decent clothes. I know that our Australian sisters are not renowned for their sartorial elegance but that eviction outfit was like one of Bet Lynch’s scatter cushions.

They saved the biggest surprise until last, when Davina announced that our winner this year was Rachel! Big Brother 9’s very own Truly Scrumptious.

Good old Mikey was chuffed to bits at being runner up. When he said this week that he wasn’t fussed about winning I actually believed him. I suddenly worried about those puddles on the stairs but he made it to the stage and gave Davina a big hug. I’m sure he tried to cop a feel of her right breast but maybe he was just struggling to hold onto his cane. In true Mikey style he barked at Davina during his interview and managed to get a few final digs at Rex at Nicole in the process. ‘G’an yersel son’.

Fireworks exploded and lights flashed as Rachel left the house holding a cup aloft. It wasn’t her prize. It was the cup that Mikey used to wash his willy. Now that’s friendship for you.

So good triumphed over evil this year as the rogue’s gallery sat sulking on the gantry as Rachel stole the crown. She might not have been the most entertaining housemate we’ve ever had but I’m so glad the prize money didn’t go to any of those self obsessed, attention seeking freaks.

All summer I’ve been thinking that Luke and Rebecca reminded me of another couple. Last night, whilst flicking through my cable channels, the penny finally dropped. They’re Tom and Linda from Gimme Gimme Gimme.

Sadly, another great summer with Big Brother is over. I have to admit I got all misty eyed watching the final highlight clips. What will fill the void?

On X Factor on Saturday we had three rough looking dinner ladies from Glasgow singing Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep.

Sorted :-)

Viva Las Lisa!

Well did Rex’s surly demeanour sweeten once Nic the Nag left the house? Like hell it did. The small, ginger cook sunk to new depths this week with his attacks on the female members of the house. Only scary Lisa escaped the bullying and I suspect that’s because he’s intimidated by her huge biceps, unruly breasts and psychic stare. The sight of Lisa bouncing on the trampoline in a crop top is enough to make any man’s blood run cold. The Army should sign her up and send her to Afghanistan. Lisa Appleton, Woman of Mass Destruction!

At last we got a task that greedy Mo could get his teeth into. Eating a vat of spaghetti in 2 hours was a task made in heaven for Mo, or so you’d have thought. Perhaps he’d been snacking again but not even the human waste disposal unit was able to get the housemates even close to completing the task. After struggling with the pasta the lads decided to do a bit of exercise to help their digestion. Unfortunately their game of sanitary towel football ended swiftly when poor Mikey got it in the neck whilst happily splashing around in the pool. I hope that red mark on his neck was bruising!

The Las Vegas task was fun. Was that Tinky Winky making a guest appearance at the show? No it was just Kat in purple lycra struggling with her boxes. Of course they saved the best for last. Don’t go breaking my heart was a fabulous train wreck. Mikey ripped his way through some of the lyrics looking like Catherine Tate after a night out at Jumping Jacks and 15 Bacardi Breezers.

Later that night we had the Live Show and Davina wearing a Teflon tablecloth. The face to face nominations didn’t really freak the housemates and they took it all in their stride. Some of them were a bit more put out when they realized they’d just handed Lisa and Sara £25k each. Suckered!

Lisa’s had a few climaxes this week! The first started as she was telling the housemates how she met Mario in a car park after buying a crystal ball from him off E-bay, like Brief Encounter for the dogging generation. Right on cue, Mario appeared in the garden wearing an ill-fitting dinner suit and a cheap plastic rose, to propose to his workout buddy. Of course she said yes and they spent a couple of minutes licking the window to seal the deal.

Rex is obviously going for the female vote next week. He’s been topless for most of it even although the weather has been like November in Dundee. Not a very clever move matey. Look what happened to the other beefcake. Beefcake? Rex is more like a little ginger snap.

The other problem with his strategy is the way freckly Rexy has been behaving towards Kat, Rachel and particularly Sara, this week. He’s been rude and insulting to all of them in varying degrees. His treatment of Sara became very uncomfortable to watch as he ground her down and encouraged Darnell & Mo to upset her at every opportunity. I can’t imagine his bullying and arrogance would endear him to any female with an ounce of sense. However Jeremy Kyle still manages to find a regular supply of sad, scared women locked into unhealthy relationships with arrogant control freaks like him. No matter what these men do they all just land up saying ‘but I love him’.

If Rex was the gang leader it was his self abusing sidekick that took things to an even lower level. Darnell’s cruel attack on the poor Aussie was revolting. He later claimed that the words weren’t directed at her personally but to all women. No wonder he’s a virgin. The only thing that made me laugh during this whole sorry episode was when Mikey observed that Darnell was a psychiatrist’s wet dream. I think he’s an incoherent, wanker but I bow to Mikey’s genius. Darnell says so much and yet says so little. I swear I can’t understand what the hell he’s going on about during his paranoid rants.

Thankfully Big Brother took exception to the way Sara was being bullied and told both of them that their behaviour was being monitored. Darnell plunged into further despair and flopped around the house saying ‘shit’ all the time. Rex offered Sara a cigarette and shook hands with arch nemesis Mikey. Which one do you think was considering his game plan? Don’t get me wrong. I think every house needs a JR Ewing. I just think this JR just shot himself.

I’m not sure why Sara deserved such a verbal kicking? OK there’s that voice. I’m a huge fan of Kath & Kim but didn’t actually think real people spoke like that until Sara moved into the house.

Lisa’s final climax was the fantastic reception she got from the crowd after being evicted in a very tight vote. The vote couldn’t have been any tighter than the top she was wearing as she bounded down the stairs towards the crowd like 2 kids fighting in a Turkish rug. Once she was in the studio she was like a rabbit in the headlights. Her blank expression at some of Davina’s questions was like she was being interrogated by the Portuguese CID.

Mario turned up again to meet his sturdy spouse. I’m guessing he had a contract with OK Magazine stuffed in his back pocket. I wonder how long it will be before we get exclusive pictures of the happy couple on a tropical island exfoliating their thighs? And why not :-)