Shameless

King Terry put the cat amongst the pigeons with his nominations. Ulrika sulked, Lucy gave us a fake smile and Ben said nothing, as usual. It was obvious that talentless Lucy would be evicted. She’s only known for getting her kit off in the red tops so it was no big surprise that her cover up strategy was the worst game plan since Nasty Nick. Please take note Ben!

The best part of Terry’s King task was Latoya’s entrance wearing a jester’s outfit and a false nose that kept falling off. I think the joke went over her head. American’s don’t get irony.

I was hoping to love Tina Malone but this coarse battle axe is just Mimi Maguire with the volume turned up. The sight and sound of her biting her toe nails last week made me sick up a bit of Cornish Pastie.

She claims to be a vulnerable, introvert with a tight arse. The woman is clearly deluded or just a thick twat. She says she wants to lose a bit of weight from her fanny so perhaps that answers my question. I think a heavy minge is least of your worries love. She looked like she was wearing the Diary Room walls in her red Lycra outfit during the electric shock task.

The complete opposite of the Scouse scumbag is Ben Adams. Easy on the eye and self aware, he admits to being the most boring person to have ever stayed in the Big Brother House. I hope he comes out of his shell soon. Getting out of his clothes might help his cause too. Smoking fags and avoiding Michelle’s bum are just not going to win the public over.

Can’t believe Terry said he thought Ulrika was high handed with people at times and yet he sucks up to Coolio at every opportunity. I can’t be doing with men who think it’s OK to have a go at women at every opportunity and yet are quite happy to sit back and accept appalling behaviour by members of the same sex. Shame on you Tel.

I’m not sure I was totally convinced by Michelle’s tearful tantrums this week but why they are allowing Coolio to verbally abuse her and the other females in the house is beyond me. Is it really OK for a man to use abusive language to a woman and then dismiss it later as only playing a game? I wonder what Coolio’s reaction would be if a man ‘joked’ like that with one of his daughters.

Coolio said that the first time he came to London he was a f**king dumb ass. So no change on this trip then.

I’m starting to think that this year’s Jackson is not quite as sweet and innocent as she makes out. Whilst everyone berated Coolio for winding up Michelle & Ben it was actually Latoya who was going around planting the love seeds to anyone who would listen. Her nomination for Ulrika was hilarious. She started off giving a soppy reason until Big Brother dismissed it. Without batting a false eyelash she blurted out a bitch tirade that showed us a glimpse of her true feelings.

I always thought Tommy was a bit of an arrogant toe rag when I’ve seen him on the box but he seems to be a big teddy bear. A very furry teddy bear at that. I’ve not see hairy legs like that since Jo Brand played the Fairfield Halls in Croydon.

Tommy’s not the only hairy housemate this year though. Ben has a thick thatch and someone needs to lend Mutya a BIC for her pits. I know they’re on a tight budget but you can get a pack of 5 for less than a pound so there’s really no excuse for unsightly frizz.

Verne is getting a bit crabby but who can blame him. The housemates are so bored they’ve started inventing games like Catch the Midget.

Return of the Mack

So another Christmas is past and it’s now 2009. I’ve eaten too much and the recycling box is overflowing with empty bottles of Jacob’s Creek. I’ve had 3 weeks off work and should be feeling chilled and revitalised but when I got up this morning it was Shadrach Dingle staring back at me in the bathroom mirror. I decided to set up my new Wii Fit only to be informed by my Nintendo nemesis that I’m overweight and my screen persona suddenly inflated to look like Twiggy from The Royle Family. I was crest-fallen. I gave up after 10 minutes and went outside to have a fag.

Post Christmas telly is always crap. Things got so bad that I suddenly found myself watching Nana Mouskouri, The BB Years on BBC4…………and enjoying it! Thank God for the return of Celebrity Big Brother!

‘Ladies and Gentlemen, the egos have landed’ screamed Davina. I nearly cried with joy but why was she dressed as a big black crow? I know the weather’s been cold but surely wardrobe could have found her something more alluring than a goat skin rug and heavy duty gardening gloves. Pete Burns would be so proud.

She gave us a quick tour round the ‘new’ house first. Apart from a couple of exercise bikes from Argos and 3 old merry go round horses it didn’t look much different. Perhaps Channel 4 is feeling the effects of the credit crunch or maybe they just couldn’t be arsed. Davina did her best to make the minimal changes sound interesting but she was really struggling to win me over with her squeals of excitement over the fact that the beds had thicker mattresses. Is that the best that Dreams could do?

Up first was Michael Jackson in drag. Now I know he’s desperate to make a comeback but I don’t think transvestism is really the best way to win us round. OK so we love Hayley Cropper and quite happy to have our SKY news reports from a voluptuous blonde who used to be called Colin but this is a hair extension too far.

Moody Mutya was up next wearing a sleezy dressing gown and looking like an extra from You Only Live Twice.

Poor little Verne couldn’t get up the staircase so they made him walk round the building to the back door. Not a great idea because his legs are only about 10” long so we had the longest entrance on record. You could feel the tension from the production crew as he finally arrived, out of breath and dizzy, at the Diary Room. The tiny trooper managed to drag his overnight bag into the house like a weary school kid returning home after his first day at school with a bag full of his new reading books and jotters.

Someone who resembles a heavy off Taggart was delivered next to the house. I hate people who refer to themselves as ‘activists’. Usually means they’re attention seeking, wasters who didn’t get enough cuddles from their parents when they were growing up.

Housemate number 5 was someone from Bournemouth who is apparently famous for her boobs. A Tory bird who’s scared of clowns. Now there’s irony for you.

The token cute guy arrived next. The lovely Ben from A1, who has thankfully ditched the hideous hair curtains, got the best reception form the crowd so far. His ideal woman is Dawn French so who does Big Brother chuck in next? Tina Malone. A peroxide Dawn French from Liverpool. Could this be our new Ziggy & Chanelle?

Coolio was next up. Seems like a nice guy but how can you take a 45 year old guy seriously with that hair. On his VT he looked like a giant cockroach. He spent most of the first 24 hours telling people how normal he is and true to his word he let rip with the first massive celebrity fart of 2009.

Jordan’s Geordie bridesmaid was wheeled out next. I have a feeling that Michelle will be a complete waste of space and whine a lot. She’s doing Big Brother to prove to people that she’s not a piss head. Bad plan Michelle. The only reason you still get column space in Heat and Now is so we can all laugh at pictures of you falling out of clubs with no knickers on.

The annoying Northern twat who did The Word (his words) went in next. Claims he’s been in the ‘business’ for 26 years but I have a feeling he’s only worked for 7 of them.

The last housemate to arrive was Queen Ulrika. I know most people can’t stand this Swedish export but I quite like her. I think Tommy likes her too. Maybe this will be baby number 5 with hubby number 5!